I’m sorry to interrupt but I would like to take this time to talk about my diarrhea. I had the worst diarrhea of my life a few months ago after eating at Applebee’s. I got sick while I was in the mall and it hit very suddenly. The closest toilet was in Sears so I waddled as fast as I could to get to the bathroom before a river of brown erupted from my butt. Alas I discovered that the only bathroom in Sears was on the second floor, so after futilely searching I had to make for the escalator. I could feel the butt-volcano about to erupt, I was frantic. I thought OK, almost there, I can make it, and then I learned that the bathroom was all the way on the far side of the store from the escalator! This was bad, really bad. I had my sphincter clenched as tight as I could but I knew I had only seconds left and the bathroom was about half a minute away. If I sprinted I could make it, but if I sprinted I wouldn’t be able to properly clench my sphincter. I was stuck. I did the best I could, and I even made it to the bathroom, but before I could get to the stall Mt. Buttuvius erupted in my pants. And it just kept coming. I waddled to the stall with a brown geyser shooting from my bum, got my pants down, and my butt kept spraying like the world’s most foul fire hose. It got all over the seat, the toilet, the walls, the floor, there was even some on the ceiling. The CEILING! I had to pant and breathe deeply but the smell was so bad I almost vomited. So there I was, in Sears, my pants a wet, slimy, nasty brown. The only good thing was that there wasn’t anybody in there, and all through my struggle, nobody else came in. I did what I had to do. I used two entire rolls of toilet paper to try to clean up, and I had to try to flush my underwear into the toilet. As you can imagine, this didn’t work, so the toilet overflowed and spilled fecal juice all over the bathroom. I used a third roll of toilet paper to try to clean up before giving up.