It’s difficult when your heart is weighed down by confusion, fear, and shame. But here it goes.

I’m currently sitting at home, waiting for the Feds to arrest me. I expect I’ll be gone for a while. To my family and friends, I love you and didn’t mean to let you down.

In a nutshell, I’ve been using my Social Security number fraudulently. I had 10 minutes to call the government back this morning and work this out before they would send their agents to arrest me. So here I stand.

Why didn’t I call back and hopefully avoid this mess? Because I was on the phone with a Microsoft tech in India, trying to grant him full access to my Windows 10 OS, which was rife with malware and spyware. It was super kind of him to call directly and warn me, but that’s why I was tied up and missed the government’s call.

This throws another wrench in my life: I am currently subject to a deportation order for not paying $8,000 to INS to correct critical errors on my visa. I’ve overstayed my welcome in the US by 36 years, and likely will be sent back to China in short order. I should’ve taken those Mandarin classes.

I just hope the agents are gentle with me, due to my limp. USPS isn’t delivering the medical-grade knee brace I’m entitled to for another few days.

For all those worried about my family’s finances, do not fret. I just consolidated my student loan debt, and Barrister Henry Adams has USD $2,000,000 set aside for me in a bank account in Lagos. Additionally, my house qualifies for amazing financing on new solar panels before state incentives expire in 2020.

When I get this all straightened out, I’ll take my free cruise to the Bahamas. Until then, I hope you’ve enjoyed all the scam spam I’ve received in the past 24 hours alone.