I’ve been scrolling r/AskPhilisophy for 40 years and this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Let me just start by saying I don’t have much time, my mom has paid some assholes to try renovate my basement and they’re going to try forcibly remove me soon. They have already tried tear gas but I vape so much that the molecules just bounced off my glycerol and poorly understood synthetic chinese flavour chemical coated alveoli, reflected off my popcorn lung pustules, and were expelled into the air where they were immediately re-inhaled by my dual Belle Delphine Bathwater and air cooled my little pony themed PC, further adding to the almost 1 inch thick layer of caked on hair and dust from scratching my neckbeard held together by baja blast flavored vape juice resin.

I’m going to take my fedora off now. They have begun drilling through the door and it won’t be long before they bring in the crane and the surgeons to try to separate me from my custom built steel reinforced DXracer which is bolted to the ground with 2 inch wide titanium bolts, attached to a 1 inch thick, 6 x 6 foot solid steel plate sunk 1 foot below the surface of the composite hot dipped galvanized steel rebar and fiber reinforced Ultra High Performance compression resistant aggregate concrete basement floor.

M’lady,

I’ll be honest,

I approach all posts on this website from an inherently cynical angle. Rather than trying to build or contribute in any way, my main aim in replying is simply to make myself feel better, and if I’ve done a particularly thorough job, which I have been known to do, make you feel a little worse about yourself. The synapses in my large brain look as crusty and deflated as the socks on my floor. I have spent a lifetime *rinsing my entire being* in the most extreme instantly gratifying, by design addictive, loud, high colour, sped up, supersaturated, unrealistic, dopamine, serotonin, and even oxytocin intensive media known to man, with devices that most of the individuals of my species who have ever lived would surely assert is indistinguishable from god like magic.

I have seen and felt everything. I have seen more women than all the great conquerors of the world combined, every night I dine on food that would cause a Victorian era peasant to literally cry, I posses an array of devices created in laboratories that have allowed me to enjoy more physical pleasure than 99.999% of all the people on the planet, I have enjoyed a cocktail of grey market designer drugs shipped to my door the likes of which Adolf Hitler, or Michael Jackson, with full time chemists who’s ability to *provide for their fucking families*, hinged on their ability to get their masters as loaded as humanly possible without falling asleep or dying, could only dream of. And despite all of this, despite the apparent unhealthiness of my lifestyle, I have already lived a longer life than most of my ancestors, and whether you like it or not I will continue living for much longer than I have any right to.

I am telling you all this because I want you to know that it all pales in comparison to the pleasure that I derive from tearing your hopes and ideas down.

Toodaloo,

XXX_xxx.chillosopher.xxx_XXX