Its to try to fill that void. when i am near death is the only time i feel it. So i crave death. yes. Until something amazing happened. i fell in love. and i decided to make the worst decision of my life and let her go. That connection filled my void. and now i constantly try to find that so much so that i lose myself. completely. it is desperation for something equivalent to what i felt. which nothing has compared. not even close. i am like a druggie searching for more pills at the rehab center. it is never there. but i still bull my head towards it looking for that high.