(Full disclosure: this is an homage to the own a musket for home defense copypasta):

Two lubbers break into house in the dead of night .

“Avast, ye swine!” I shout at the top of my lungs, wearing my weathered bicorne hat and red mariner’s jacket. In both hands I have two flintlock pistols primed and aimed. Fire both at the same time, the room fill with smoke as both pistols explode their tiny cannonball bullets out of the chambers. Both shots have missed, blowing holes in the wall, but the intruders are now afraid, mainly because of the lit fuses in my beard to confound the blighters and have them believe I am a demon.

“The Devil take my soul, if I offer you any quarter!” I bellow, charging down the stairs and drawing my cutlass. The first swing buries the blade into the shoulder of the first bilgerat, while the other runs off to cry to the Queen’s Navy.

‘Tis a bloody life, but it’s a pirate’s life for me