Every day since the reveal trailer was released in 2019, I’ve pooped. Long, thick poop logs. Splashy, squelchy milkshake poops. Even tiny little poop nuggets. Tales are still told of Taco Bell night, when the great Shmears of Poopage covered every surface of the Grand Throne.

Day after day, I pooped. And nothing was released. Not even a smidgen of information. Until one day, after an enormous feast celebrating the coming of the New Age, with not an ounce of fiber in sight — I didn’t poop. As I sat upon the Grand Throne, pushing with all my might, dangerously close to causing a hernia, something appeared on my Reddit feed.

The Great Leaks of Lord Francesco Fossetti himself. He hath graced upon us his wisdom, a light in the darkness that awaits us. Praise him. For he hath seen my pain, and bestowed mercy upon our Hollowed souls.

It was then that I knew what I needed to do. I’ve prepared for this moment for weeks. I’ve eaten nothing but bread for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I haven’t pooped since last Tuesday. Elden Ring WILL appear at Taipei Game Show at the end of the month. I’ll make sure of that, my fellow Hollows and Woopers.

I doubt you could even imagine it. That which clogs my sphincter, giving my hemorrhoids their fullest brilliance. Oooooooooooo….ooooooooOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! ooooh…. ooooooooh…. elden ring…. it burns…