Suddenly the door opened. Dr. Shapiro, my wife, was back with the milk. “Oh my God!” She screamed. “Ben, are you okay!” I tried to speak but I was too tired to move my mouth.

For once in my life, I was speechless.

“You!” Sonic shouted in disbelief. “What are you doing here?” I was confused by Sonic’s words, but I knew I needed medical attention right away.

With what little strength I had left, I looked at my wife and pleaded. “Please dear, I need a doctor.” My wife looked at me, revealing a pain hidden in her eyes.

“I have to tell you something, Ben. I am not really a doctor. I was never a doctor.”

“What!?” I said. “Of course you are!”

“No.” She said. “I have been lying about my entire life. You see, I am a demon hunter. And I have been hunting Sonic the Hedgehog for decades now. You see, Sonic is a Demon.”

“What!” I cried. My wife sighed. “I come from a place known as Genocide City. At least that is what everyone called it after Sonic killed everyone there. My mother hid me under the floorboards so Sonic didn’t get me. I have spent my whole life training so that one day I could finally defeat him. I knew that Sonic hated conservatives. And I knew that you were obsessed with finding anything related to Sonic. So I decided to marry you as a way to find Sonic. That day has finally come. Don’t worry, Ben. I will take it from here.”

My wife pulled out a giant sword.

“Alright Sonic,” she said. “Let’s dance.”

Sonic ran straight into my wife, pushing them both through the front door of the house. They began fighting out on our open lawn, moving so quickly I could hardly tell which blurry figure was my wife and which one was Sonic. Soon, the homeless people who all hang out in our neighborhood started watching.

“What is that thing?!” one called out. “It looks like some kind of creature!” Another answered, “That’s just Ben Shapiro.” I could not tell who was winning the fight. The two moved at such incredible speed that I could not tell what was even happening. It was not until my wife was sent through the wall of our house that I started to suspect she was losing. Although her giant sword was incredibly cool looking, it seemed like she had trouble actually hitting Sonic with it.

I am not sure how one prepares to fight a demon.

I took a demon-slaying elective at Harvard Law, but that was mostly just theory.

Eventually, my wife was able to pin Sonic underneath her sword. Sonic pushed hard against it, driving himself further into the ground.

“Give it up, Sonic!” She cried. “I am sending you back to hell!”

Suddenly the sword broke in half, and my wife lost her footing. Sonic took advantage of this moment and quickly pinned underneath his Soap shoe.

“I am starting to get annoyed at how weak you all think I am. In case you all forgot who I am. I’m Sonic! Sonic the Hedgehog! I am the fastest thing alive!!”

I had to think fast. If I didn’t do something, it might all be over. And then it hit me. I called out.

“Hey Sonic!”

“Huh?!” Sonic turned to face me. “Well, well, well. If it isn’t Ben Shapiro. The one who awoke me from my slumber. Sorry about your house. And your lawn. Any last words before I ruin the rest of your life?”

“Mario is better!”

Sonic froze. “What did you say?!”

“Mario is better than Sonic!” I said again. I stood to my feet, a rush of strength coursed through my veins. “Eight of the fifty best selling games ever are Mario titles. Sonic only has one. Level design in Mario games is vastly superior to that of Sonic games. Super Mario Galaxy is one hundred times more polished than any 3D Sonic title. Sega has no idea how to make a good Sonic game, whereas Mario games have remained consistently good for thirty-five years.”

Sonic was clearly confused. “What are you talking about? Aren’t you one of my biggest fans? Why would you spread such nonsense?”

I chuckled. “I’m not spreading nonsense. I’m spreading facts and logic.”

“What!?” Sonic took a step back in shock, and then realized that my wife had slipped out of his grasp. Just then, she pierced through his body from behind using the broken end of her sword. Sonic gasped out for air, clearly struggling to breathe. “You bastard!” he shouted.

“Sorry, Sonic.” My wife said plainly. “But it looks like it’s game over!” It was at this point Sonic began inflating.

His true demonic form was finally coming to light. Sonic’s body continued to grow in size.

It reminded me of images I used to look at on Deviant Art Dot Com.

Sonic moaned and roared. And then finally, the demon exploded, raining hyper-realistic blood down over the entire block. The crowd of homeless people surrounding our house cheered out. Finally, the nightmare was over. By this point, everything became a blur. The next thing I knew, I was in a hospital bed. My wife was there, along with a real doctor, who jumped up when they saw me wake up.

“Thank god you are alive, Ben!” My wife said. “We are all so happy you are alive!”

“Yes,” the doctor agreed. “This truly is a miracle. Anyway, your bill is one hundred and fifty thousand dollars.” We all started laughing. God bless America.

After a while, I finally returned home. We buried Knuckles out in the backyard, and I bought myself a copy of Super Mario 3D All-Stars. It might be a rip-off. But the games are still quality. Not long after these events, we moved to Nashville, Tennessee and I accidentally misplaced my haunted copy of Sonic Adventure 2. Otherwise, I would have dumped a ROM onto the internet to prove that any of this happened. Oh well.

I learned a lot about myself during these times. I learned to stop obsessing over Sonic the Hedgehog. I finally went to Six Flags. All by myself. And it was fucking dope. I also learned that my wife is not a doctor. Boy, do I have egg on my face. I also learned the importance of facts and logic. Well, I guess I already knew that. But I reaffirmed that I was correct.

And most importantly, I learned that I should never step foot in a Gamestop again.