Look kid, I don’t think you understand, have you ever tasted pussy so saturated with thc that it qualifies as a military grade pharmaceutical weapon? You think I sit on this couch washing down Doritos with Nesquick because I got the goddamn munchies? Do you think… this… shark tooth necklace… Is fake!? I haven’t been sober since the Carter administration. I’m so full of green my DNA can photosynthesize. Shit kid, I’m protecting my whole goddamn neighborhood from a contact high that would damn near melt the school buses if I stand outside for more than 5 minutes. You’re cute kid I’ll give you that, but Lord knows sex with me wouldn’t just blow your mind, it would implode you like the last vestiges of a dying star as you melt from the inside out. I’m not a stoner kid, I’m a god damn living edible. Keep your fingers and toes inside the car at all times, ’cause it’d be one hell of a wild ride.

… Fuck it, hold my joint