Spiderman then:

Spidey swings through New York.

“Oh no! I need to stop the Green Goblin from killing my dead ex-girlfriend’s pregnant clone again, but the Rhino is also rampaging through Queens right now, and if I’m late delivering this payment consisting of my life-savings to the bank they are going to repossess both of my Aunt May’s kidneys. Oh no! Now cops are shooting at me. They must believe all the stuff the well-respected mainstream journalist and editor J. Jonah Jameson says about me. And on top of all that my suit just got torn again after I stayed up all last night sewing it up. I don’t know if I can keep doing this, but I must, because Uncle Ben said ‘With Great Power comes Great Responsibility.'”

Spiderman now:

Spiderman swings through the New York city skyline, the User Interface of his StarkTechTM augmented reality lenses (that use microscopic motors to blink once every 3-4 seconds) on his armor-weave StarkTechTM nanofiber mask showing him the browser-history, nudes, and pornhub-searches of everyone he looks at. While swinging through Central Park he sees a that a family on a picnic didn’t pick up all their trash. Since he is in a hurry he simply calls in a StarkTechTM drone-strike on Central Park. Spiderman sees some cops and stops to exchange high-fives and take selfies with them. The words of J. Jonah Jameson is not taken seriously at all, as he is considered a crazy internet personality made famous by memes about “Chemicals in the sewers turning the freaking LIZARD GAY!” Spidey tells the officers he needs to go, he is already running late for the Grand Reveal party being held at the Avenger’s Mansion for Tony Stark’s latest invention: A machine that shoots free money directly into Peter Parker’s bank account. Suddenly, he gets a call on his StarkTechTM nanofiber mask:

“Peter, it’s your Aunt May. I just got the DNA test-results back from Dr. Connor at StarkLabsTM. It turns out that we aren’t blood-related at all, which goes a long way to explain why I’m less than ten years older than you. Anyway, I’m stuck inside the dryer and need your help.”