yesterday I caught myself drinking ranch dressing straight from the bottle I couldnt help it the temptation was too strong I picked the wrong week to quit drinking it just when i thought i had my shit together my mom comes in the house and buys a whole thing of ranch from costco it was as if the gods were teasing me tempting me i couldn’t resist the temptation I had to wait for the perfect time to strike at the ranch dressing I knew if i consumed it during the day that I would be caught by my parents and then get sent back to rehab rehab is the worst because everyones in there for drugs but i am in there for ranch dressing it makes me feel like I am not cool enough but besides the point I waited until it was 3 am i open up the fridge and I see the one litre tub of ranch dressing gleaming and shining i open the jar i lick the ranch dressing residue off the top of the lid my legs shaked as i had finally tasted the creamy dressing the feeling of the cold slimy creamy ranch dressing dribbling down my chin was orgasmic i toss the lid away and begin to dig in It was glorious but sinful. half way through the ranch dressing experience I had excess ranch all over my face and chest I like this feeling I begin to pour the ranch dressing on myself until every inch of my body was covered in this sweet concoction “I am ranch man” I muttered to myself. I AM RANCH MANN!!!!!!!! I yell I walk outside I view the sunrise as the heat of the sun curdles the dairy filled ranch dressing people stare at me not knowing my full power I laugh the police are called I get escorted into the car getting my ranch juice all over the seat and car.I get sent to prison for public indecency for a day I told the prisoners my story some laughed and some cried It was a very emotional moment when I was set free “Finally I can be sent back to my ranch” I mutter I go home I grab the remaining ranch and i did it all over and over again I am ranch man this is my story