Found a video of Jawsh talking for 20 mins straight: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0mhrV6MEXs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0mhrV6MEXs)

User by the name “wait what” transcribed the whole thing. The dashes mean he was muted between the lines.

I’m here to do standup. I’m here to tell you about that one time I went to the store and I wanted to buy uh new cereal brand but there were only four cereal brands. I’m looking to buy—so I go to the store, and I- and I want to buy another brand of cereal but there’s only 4 brands of cereal there’s Kelloggs, there’s general mills anduh the other two brands of cereal and I- and I’m here to tell you about my experiences there’s the Kroger brand – I don’t like the Kroger brand, I know it tastes the same but I feel like they do something to it to make it cheaper, I doubt it’s real food. Basically, I uh am not being paid at my job as an intern at the Kroger and I need the money to pay for my daughter to go to college. She’s- she hasn’t been born yet as I don’t have a- have a mate. But you know, it’s j-just just called uh just called uhh preparing for the future. Which is what I’m doing now on on- by streaming on twitch. I’m looking for a Mate, preferably of female gender within the age range of 18 to 20 years old and uhh I’m looking for a soulmate. I’m looking for any woman’s love or affection, nothing nothing nothing brings me joy anymore. And I believe the cure-all to be the-the warm embrace of a woman. Please. I’m so desperate. You missed a riiide carson. Did someone clip it? someone better have clipped it. You better put that clip in chat cause this is soo important. Hm, okay I dunno about that. It’s called just chatting carson and I’m just chatting. Mr Films? 19 subs? That’s not a very round number. Could you gift one more sub? \~walking out from our house Christmas eve, you may say there’s no such thing as santaaa, but as for me and grandpa, we believe\~ Do you like jake spakenheimer? Or grandpa spakenheimer? Or grandma spakenheimer? Or doofus, which I believe is the name of the dog? Anyway, chat let’s get back to business, I’m looking for a—

\– a bride to be —

\– tue a statue —

\– I just need the love, I just need the love of a woman —

\– and I’m such a sad, unbelievably sad person and I need love in my life uh, particularly that of a female ummm who has umm amiable features, umm well put together structure, umm and a Whole lot of heart. And a affinity for video games. I just want a gamer bride. P-preferably one that’s partnered on twitch, and is verified on twitter, so like, you know, like you get like the full package. I want her to wear nothing but swimsuits. Um men’s, like like 1930’s men swimsuits where there’s like black and white stripes all the way up and down. And I want her to marry me the day I meet her in Las Vegas, California. And we’re going to go to the place and Elvis is going to be the person, the the guy who gives me my wedding license. My my my my my bride will be beautiful in her 1930’s men’s swimsuit she’s going to be and also there’s going to be one of those 1930’s changing tents that are also on the beach and there’s going to be one of those swimsuit cops as well to make sure her swimsuit is the appropriate length as to not draw eyes of any um any unwanted parties. Especially the Elvis Presley that’s going to be getting us hitched. Ummm I’m just looking—so that’s my, that was um that was my ultimatum. If I don’t get that, within the allotted time of 3 months, uuuh, I’m going to uhhhh Stop. Everything. Until I get what I so desire. Please Please Please Please any women out there who fit the description I have so graciously provided, message me on Instagram, I’ll be sure to respond if you are hot, if you’re not hot ummm uhh. I’m sorry I don’t know what to tell you. You-you’ll know, you’ll know if you’re not. Anyway, that’s me. I’m looking for a woman of with a strong foundation of concrete and rebar and like like a like alike a stone, I need a rock. I need a breadwinner. But it needs- I need a lady, who will- who will carry me up the stairs and tuck me into bed and is between the age of 18 to 20 years old and is attractive to my personal specifications. I just want- I just want a high five and a slap on the ass from my beautiful bride-to-be and then I will- she can have all the money and all the cars and all the house—I’m just looking for the love of my life, I’m gonna put an ad in the classifieds, I’m gonna make a craigslist post, I’m gonna be- I’m gonna- the ad’s going to read: “looking for a structurally super —

\– hot babe —

\– the stock market has crashed, the world is coming to an end —

\– um in case you didn’t know the star wars films are actually based off of the time period of the 1940’s uuuh late 1930’s, mid to mid 1940’s and the star wars films have.. s like cause the stormtroopers —

\- uh r saga, the national treasure saga with with the um Nicolas Cage as the main character who’s name I can’t remember is it- I think it was Benjamin —

\–stroying I need a woman to hold me and I’m so Desperate —

\– uuh very comprehensively directed by- I’ve not seen the second national treasure and—

\– the dark nature of the harry potter films after the first two… but point is I- she can’t be into the harry potter films. She has to like the national treasure film—

\– not seen the film in quite some time, soo uh I’m not a fan of the vacuum cleaner character. Brave little toaster is not. That. Great. Of a plot device? Uhh but what can you say? The- but the vacuum cleaner’s scary. There’s the lamp character, there’s a blanket character, I think the blanket character was supposed to be like an electric blanket umm cause it have like a like a dial on it. I like the blanket character the blanket character is really wholesome. And then there’s also umm the toaster character, which again, I thought was a very cool plot device when I was little but now that I am at the white bald age of 36, I gotta say, it’s not a very good plot device—

\–non and critique the brave little toaster with me, that’s all I want in a woman. Ack —

\– too into the emma, too into the Dutch. I don’t like the Belgians, they did, ahh man the bene- or the whole Benelux region in general is kinda weak. ummm none of them have a- like their own like culture or anything like it’s kinda like discount Germany. A ride across the channel from the uk, I guess that’s pretty cool. But the- but so Belgium is like half French and half Dutch, I don’t even understand—

\– and they barely even have any in California, if we’re gonna be honest, The burger king franchise, it’s not like- you think there’d be more of them. I I’ve seen like maybe one and it was attached to a Walmart? I dunno where you even find them. I dunno if it’s like a mid-west or east coast franchise —

\– it’s a- it’s very important for her to be of the age of 18 to 20 years old. That is probably the nu- one of the number one features that is required but she also has to be very well-off financially, so that way if twitch collapses in on itself I don’t have to go back to work—

\– to do, I’m not quite sure. But, you know, there’s gotta be some way to to summon such a like an ethereal being that is uhh simple for the every man to do. Cause obviously many people have done it, I’ve seen a lot of people with girlfriends. And I just I just don’t know. I don’t know how they do it. I don’t understand. But anyway my ad is out there, you can hit me up on the uhh—

\– mick was no longer in the rocky franchise. Um, I think it was after rocky 2, but um, I can’t be too certain, like he could’ve been in rocky- I haven’t seen rocky 3. He could be- I know mr T’s in rocky 3 but that’s really it, I know that rocky is like “ooh I’m hot shit” and he uhh gets his act- his ass kicked by mr T, who’s in the the the- not in g.i. joe, he’s in the a team, which is another media franchise I’ve never seen , and I’m I’m not sure if it’s good? I don’t really know anything about it. I don’t know I don’t know a lot about 80’s media, I know that ghostbusters was —

\– malls, same time I unsubscribed from all the political channels, cause like I um, I used to watch the uhh the uh, what’s his what’s his name? the doug walker, uhh what’s his name? The nostalgia critic. When I was when I was in probably the first year of high school –

\– so in the one episode of the nostalgia critic, he- wh which one was I talking about? The uh sorry, and made me lose my train of thought for a minute. I can’t remember which episode of the nostalgia critic I was talking about. But um, okay, so there’s a lot of episodes, there’s one where –

\– the official version, of minecraft pocket edition on my kindle fire but I would wa- from- basically, from the years of 2009 and 2010 I would watch the angry video game nerd. And then one time I got in trouble cause my parents walked in and then they had uh they had me sit down and watch an episode of the angry video game nerd with them. Which was probably one of the worst experiences of my entire life. And I regret uhh, every day. And I I remember it so vividly uh it’s like a mental scar. And I was I was only around 9 years old at the time. I was um, I was in the third grade, and I like- that’s like a like a repressed memory, that was like a really bad time. But yea I really like the angry video game nerd, I thought I’d revisit him, saw the collab with the uhh what’s his face? With the doug walker, and I watched a quinton reviews video on doug walker. And I was like: “oh man doug walker… Ah he’s not a great guy” and so I, you know. But I I hadn’t watched doug walker for a while up until that point. Umm –

\– conomy, uh, so that what happened with the social Darwinism in the 1800’s was you had the big uh corporations like the standard oil company, which would uh see themselves as like the the Pinnacle of uh that specific which they which they occupied. Uh so they would see themselves as the superior, the superior force in the market and they would they’d see that as their reason for swallowing up smaller businesses. So like, for example, what john d rockefeller would do, john d rockefeller would offer to buy a an like an independent oil refinery for a a, you know, not a great amount of money. Or or a good amount of money, depending on who it was, but that person might not wanna cave, so people are like: “oh well” and he’s like “well, okay” and he just lowers the price of oil to where everyone’s taking it at a loss, but the thing about the standard oil company, was because it owned about 90% of the oil refining industry, umm he was able to take that loss, for the amount of time that he was doing it, just long enough for the uh the business he was trying to take for let’s say a couple million to like, Fail completely and flop. Um and so then he’d buy that business for maybe a few thousand dollars. Uuh so that’s that’s how john d Rockefeller did that. But uh, so I was talking about social Darwinism I was talking about the uh the the Rant era of youtube. So I was talking about like people come out on top. leafy was one of those like, one of those businesses, you know, that got bought out by the standard oil company, you know, that would be h3h3 in this specific situation. Which is very strange considering uh h3’s political philosophy, and is supporting someone like Andrew yang. Now let’s talk about Andrew Yang –

\– ticipating, I’d lo- I’d I buy dlc for games during this steam summer sale and uhh, having a thousand dollars, would make it much easier to buy. More things on –

\– want this car, I want this car so bad but that bike is so much cheaper, which one are you gonna take? Are you gonna take the bike or the car? You’re gonna take the uh, you’re gonna take the bike. So that’s what I’m saying, like you- during the steam sales you always buy worst products, not because um. Simply because they’re cheaper, they’re the cheaper option. You you’d you could buy the Lamborghini but the Lamborghini is not on sale because guess who put that on the store. it was like, the the guys who do like 2k, who doesn’t do anything during the steam sales. You got- so you buy like like a game like bye bye wacky planet, which is a game in my steam library, that I –

\– im city 4 deluxe. I have sim city 4 deluxe in my steam library, I’ve opened it one time ever in my entire life, back in uh back in the days of uhh, I think 20..13? And it crashed for half an hour. And that is my- that is how much playtime I have in that game. Um. And I refuse to install it or play it ever again, cause like city sim games are trash. They’re terrible, no one wants to play them. And if you do, there’s like something wrong with you. You gotta have like a like a like a some like kinda masochist kinda thing going. Cause like that’s seriously like the same thing as inflicting like bodily harm on yourself. As like a joke. You play that game to prank yourself. Yeah. Anyway, date me.