but back in Sophomore year of Highschool. This is the story of the worst day of my life and is not for the feint of heart.

Every time I meet someone new my friends always get me to tell them “about the time I ruined our schools septic system” so I am posting it here so I can just link to it in the future.

I really had to go to the bathroom so I grabbed the hall pass and made my way to the second story bathroom. I arrive just before I was about to pop and hurried into the middle stall since it was the cleanest. I sit down and assume the fecal position as another student comes in and sits in the stall next to me. I sit up a little bit as I finish unpacking but unbeknownst to me the automated flush system viewed that as me trying to get up. The auto flush feature kicked in but nothing happened, I heard a gurgle deep within the pipe followed by the sound of pressure being sent up from the depths of hell. My instincts tell me to run but I didn’t get up in time, I hear a loud PUCK as something is fired from the pipe at supersonic speed nailing me straight in the gooch (I later learned that it was a dip can that had gotten stuck in the pipe after someone tried to flush it).

Now all of you amateur physicist know what happens when there is a change in pressure, pretty much the entire contents of the school septic tank rushed to fill the gap this created and that sent a geyser of shit and piss straight up the pipe. It came out at such an angle that it was slapping my scrotum like a speed bag. it quickly filled the toilet and began flowing out from between my legs and into my pants and underwear which were around my ankles. I began screaming. A puddle of fudge began seeping out from all edges of the stall gaps, even into the stall occupied by the poor bastard to my right. I heard him yell “FUCK THAT” before booking it out of the restroom (I am uncertain of whether he had time to wipe and pull up his pants). After the flow stopped, a full 15 agonizing seconds later, I had time to collect my thoughts. My phone was in my pocket as I wanted to get in and out ASAP, this means that I have no way to call for help so I had to resort to yelling at the top of my lungs. Some people did come by to see what was wrong but upon seeing a stall surrounded by shit occupied by a single pair of legs with their pants around their ankles they all quickly left the situation to a higher power. Eventually the janitor did stop by and ended up leaving to get me a pair of pants from the resource center. The pants he brought were too small to fit me so I just had to pull them up as best I could and pull my shirt down to cover my dick as I waddled my way to the office.

They smelled me long before they saw me, I rounded the corner and was met with looks of horror and disgust. The kind people in the office brought out a trash can and made me stand in it while I waited for my mother to come pick me up. When she arrived she got trash bags and laid them out in the passenger seat for me to sit on, she nearly vomited several times on the ride back home. Once we were there I got a new set of clothes and took a shower (we ended up burning my old clothes). After all was said and done my loving mother FUCKING SENT ME BACK TO SCHOOL. The school had to tape off the door to that bathroom and keep people from using it for nearly a month, I faced no consequences (other than the life long trauma)

And that is how I got the nickname “Toilet buster” throughout the rest of highschool.