I watched an animated film where Mike Wazowski and Fiona from Shrek were lovers and the “camera” zoomed in really close on their junk. Like it got in there so there was no question Mike has a weiner and what that weiner looks like. Fiona’s bits were less detailed.

Then I was trying to explain this to a group of friends and no one would acknowledge my story. They talked over me, interrupted me, ignored me. All I wanted to do was talk about how fucked up it was that someone green-lit that movie. Who decided this was the time for a Pixar-Dreamworks crossover? Why did anyone think there was a need to share with the world the size and general disposition of a green sphere’s dick?

I will be haunted by this for some time.