Oogles of sweat drips from my brow as I type out my response to yet another karma-whoring post on r/teenagers. “k” – “a” as I type letter by letter my mouth starts to dry. I stretch out my arm to reach for one of my two liter bottles of mountain dew, but I cannot reach it. I look for something to hook the bottle with only to find one of my many Carly Rae Jepsen cds (god she’s hot) at a stack next to my toenail collection. “r” – “m” I return to typing. My fat rolls are furiously shaking as a euphoric wave rushes over my body. The tantalizing thought of how devastating this comment will be to the op makes my eyes roll back into my head out of pure pleasure. “a” – “w” I cough up a cloud of dorito cheese dust and it fogs my $200 aviator sunglasses. Luckily I have a rag for this exact occasion, so I pick it up off of my pile of used tissues and wipe my shades clean. “h” – “o” my heart skips a beat. My chest tightens. I feel the room spin as I fall back off my chair and cause a shockwave that destroys the one window in my apartment. My heart skips again, only to stop. I have a heart attack and die, never again able to expose fake gamers on the internet.