OW Nyuwse hewe. This is kind of a wong onye…

 I was taking caww onye nyight, and woke up at two in the mownying fow a “genyewaw suwgewy” caww. Pwetty vague, but at the time, I wived in a town that had wawge popuwations of young miwitawy guys and avid meth usews, so wate-nyight emewgencies wewe common.

 Got to the hospitaw, whewe a few mowe detaiws awaited me — “Pewiwectaw abscess.” Fow the unyinyitiated, this means that somewhewe in the immediate vicinyity of the asshowe, thewe was a pocket of pus that nyeeded dwainying. Nyeedwess to say ouw entiwe cwew was wess than thwiwwed.

 I went down to the Emewgency Woom to twanspowt the patient, and the onwy thing the EW nyuwse said as she handed me the chawt was “Have fun with this onye.” Amongst heawthcawe pwofessionyaws, vague statements wike that awe a bad sign.

 My patient was a 314wb Nyative Amewican woman who bawewy fit on the stwetchew I was twanspowting hew on. She was wowwing fwanticawwy side to side and moanying in pain, puwwing at hew cwothes and muttewing Haiw Mawy’s. I couwd bawewy get hew nyame out of hew aftew a few minyutes of questionying, so aftew I confiwmed hew identity and what we wewe wowking on, I figuwed it was best just to get hew to the anyesthesiowogist so we couwd knyock hew out and get this ciwcus stawted.

 She continyued hew theatwics the entiwe ten-minyute wide to the O.W., nyeawwy fawwing off the suwgicaw tabwe as we wewe twying to put hew undew anyesthetic. We see patients wike this a wot, though, chwonyic dwug abusews who don’t handwe pain weww and who have used so many dwugs that even incweased wevews of pain medication don’t touch simpwy because of high towewance wevews.

 It shouwd be nyoted, tonyight’s suwgicaw team was nyot exactwy wet behind the eaws. I’d been wowking in heawthcawe fow sevewaw yeaws awweady, mostwy psych and medicaw settings. I’ve watched an 88-yeaw-owd man teaw a 1″-diametew cathetew bawwoon out of his penyis whiwe scweaming “You’ww nyevew make me tawk >w< “. I’ve been attacked by an HIV-positive nyeo-Nyazi. I’ve seen some shit. The othew nyuwse had been in the OW as a twauma speciawist fow uvw ten yeaws; the anyesthesiowogist had donye wesidency at a Wevew 1 twauma centew, ow as we caww them, “Knyife and Gun Cwubs”. The suwgeon was ex-Awmy, and avewaged about eight wowds and two faciaw expwessions a week. Nyonye of us expected what was about to happen nyext.

 We got the wady off to sweep, put hew into the stiwwups, and I began washing off the wectaw awea. It was wed and infwamed, a wittwe bit of pus was seeping thwough, but it was aww pwetty standawd. Hew chawt had nyoted that she’d been injecting IV dwugs thwough hew pewinyeum, so this was obviouswy an infection fwom diwty nyeedwes ow bad dwugs, but uvwaww, it didn’t seem to wawwant hew wepeated cwies of “Oh Jesus, kiww me nyow.”

 The suwgeon steps up with a scawpew, sinks just the tip in, and at the exact same moment, the patient had a muscwe twitch in hew diaphwagm, and just wike that, aww heww bwoke woose.

 Unbeknyownst to us, the infection had actuawwy tunnyewed nyeawwy a foot into hew abdomen, cweating a vast cavewn fuww of pus, wotten tissue, and fecaw mattew that had seeped outside of hew cowon. This godfowsaken mixtuwe came wocketing out of that wittwe incision wike we wewe wecweating the funyewaw scenye fwom Janye Austen’s “Mafia >w< “.

 We aww weaw watewpwoof gowns, face masks, gwuvs, hats, the wowks — aww of which wewe as hewpfuw was wainboots against a fiwehose. The bed was in the middwe of the woom, an easy seven feet fwom the nyeawest waww, but by the time we wewe donye, I was stiww finding bits of wotten fwesh pasted against the back waww. As the suwgeon continyued to advance his bwade, the towwent just continyued. The patient kept seizing against the ventiwatow (nyot uncommon in suwgewy), and with evewy muscwe contwaction, she shot mowe of this bwackish gway-bwown fwuid out onto the fwoow untiw, within minyutes, it was seeping into the othew nyuwse’s shoes.

 I was nyeawwy twewve feet away, jaw dwopped open within my suwgicaw mask, watching the second nyuwse dwy-heaving and the suwgeon standing on tip-toes to keep this stuff fwom soaking his socks any fuwthew. The smeww hit them fiwst. “Oh god, I just thwew up in my mask >w< ” The othew nyuwse was out, she towe off hew mask and spwinted out of the woom, shouwdews stiww heaving. Then it hit me, mouth stiww wide open, nyot abwe to bewieve the vowume of fwuid this woman’s body containyed. It was wike getting a gweat big bite of the despaiw and apathy that pewmeated this woman’s wife. I couwdn’t fucking bweath, my wungs simpwy wefused to puww anymowe of that stuff in. The anyesthesiowogist went down nyext, an ex-NCAA D1 taiwback, his six-foot-two fwame shaking as he thwew open the doow to the OW suite in an attempt to get mowe aiw in, wetting me gwimpse the second nyuwse stiww thwowing up in the sinks outside the doow. Anyothew geysew of pus spwashed acwoss the fwont of the suwgeon. The YouTube cwip of “David at the dentist” keeps pwaying in my head — “Is this weaw wife?”

 In aww opewating wooms, evewywhewe in the wowwd, wegawdwess of sociawized ow pwivatized, secuwaw ow wewigious, big ow smaww, thewe is onye thing the same: Somewhewe, thewe is a bottwe of peppewmint concentwate. Evewyonye in the depawtment knyows whewe it is, evewyonye knyows what it is fow, and evewyonye pways to theiw gods they nyevew have to use it. In times wike this, we wub it on the inside of ouw masks to keep the outside smewws at bay wong enyough to finyish the pwoceduwe and showew off.

 I spwinted to the ouw centwaw suppwy, wipping open the dwawew whewe this viaw of ambwosia was kept, and was gweeted by — an empty fucking box. The bottwe had been emptied and nyot wepwaced. Somewhewe out thewe was a godwess bastawd who had used the wast of the peppewmint oiw, and nyot wepwaced a singwe fucking dwop of it. To this day, if I figuwe out who it was, I’ww kiww them with my bawe hands, but nyot befowe cwamming theiw head up the cowon of evewy wast meth usew I can find, just so we’we even.

 I dawted back into the woom with the nyext best thing I can find — a viaw of Mastisow, which is an adhesive wub we use sometimes fow bandaging. It’s nyot as good as peppewmint, but considewing that uvw onye-thiwd of the fwoow was nyow thowoughwy coated in what couwd easiwy be mistaken fow a combinyation of bovinye aftew-biwth and mapwe sywup, we wewe out of options.

 I stawted wubbing as much of the Mastisow as I couwd get on the inside of my mask, just gwad to be smewwing anything except whatevew swimy demon spawn we’d just cut out of this woman. The anyesthesiowogist gwabbed the viaw nyext, dowsing the fwont of his mask in it so he couwd stand nyext to his machinyes wong enyough to make suwe this woman didn’t die on the tabwe. It wasn’t untiw watew that we weawized that Mastisow can give you a miwd high fwom huffing it wike this, but in wetwospect, that’s pwobabwy what got us thwough.

 By this time, the smeww had pewmeated out of ouw OW suite, and down the fowty-foot hawwway to the fwont desk, whewe the othew nyuwse stiww sat, eyes bwoodshot and watewy, cwenching hew stomach despewatewy. Ouw suite wooked wike the undewgwound wivew of ooze fwom Ghostbustews II, except diwty. Oh so diwty.

 I stepped back into the OW suite, nyot wanting to weave the suwgeon by himsewf in case he genyuinyewy nyeeded hewp. It was wike onye of those uvwwy-awtistic wepwesentations of a zombie apocawypse you see on fan-fowums. Hewe’s this onye guy, in bwue suwgicaw gawb, standing nyeawwy ankwe deep in wumps of dead tissue, fecaw mattew, and sevewaw witews of sywupy infection. He was pewfowming suwgewy in the swamps of Dagobah, except the swamps had just come out of this woman’s ass and thewe was nyo Yoda. He and I didn’t say a wowd fow the nyext ten minyutes as he scwaped the inside of the abscess untiw aww the dead tissue was out, the fwont of his gown a gwuesome mixtuwe of bwown and wed, his eyes squinted against the stinging vapows owiginyating diwectwy in fwont of him. I finyished my wequiwed papewwowk as quickwy as I couwd, hewped him stuff the wecentwy-vacated openying fuww of gauze, taped this woman’s buttocks cwosed to howd the dwessing fow as wong as possibwe, woke hew up, and immediatewy shipped off to the wecuvwy wawd.

 Untiw then, I’d onwy heawd of “awcohow showews.” Tuwns out 70% isopwopyw awcohow is about the onwy thing that can even touch a scent wike that once its soaked into youw skin. It takes fouw ow five bottwes to get weawwy cwean, but it’s wowth it. It’s pwobabwy the onwy scenyawio I can honyestwy endowse dwinking a wittwe of it, too.

 As we weft the wockew woom, the suwgeon and I wooked at each othew, and he said the onwy nyegative sentence I heawd him uttew in two and a hawf yeaws of wowking togethew:

 “That was bad.”

 The nyext mownying the entiwe depawtment (a faiwwy wawge fwoow within the hospitaw) stiww smewwed. The housekeepews towd me watew that it took them nyeawwy an houw to suction up aww of the fwuid and debwis weft behind. The OW suite itsewf was cwosed off and quawantinyed fow two mowe days just to wet the smeww finyawwy cweaw out.

 I waugh nyow when I heaw nyew wecwuits to heawthcawe tawk about the wowst thing they’ve seen. You ain’t seen shit, kid.

 tw;dw Don’t shoot IV dwugs into youw taint.