what even is a virgin?

urban dictionary defines virgin as

1. ⁠A member of a rare and dying race
2. ⁠You

but if you ask me, both of these definitions are wildly inadequate. Virgins are so much more. Oh yes virgins are so much more.

In this essay i will be explaining why virgins are the backbone of society, why my mom hates me, and why state-mandated girlfriends are an OK idea.

Virgins, deriving from the latin “Virginius”, describes a person who has not engaged in sexual intercourse. Yes mom that is me. Yes mom i know what sex is. Now, onto the debate.

My demands are as follows

1. ⁠Higher wages for virgins. You know they need it
2. ⁠We get our own page in the yearbook. I think this will help virgins find other virgins, like tinder for virgins
3. ⁠State mandated GF. only GF. sorry straight girls/gay guys youre stuck with it

I think these policies could drastically alter the course of humanity. How many civilizations must rise and fall before virgins are rightfully given their waifu???


Part 2 : Body Pillow Shame

Body pillows are natural. I have a baby chicken in my room. I made him a body pillow out of lint and pens. My baby chicken is named Charles. Charles loves his body pillow. Therefore, body pillows are an innate, natural experience every living creature on the planet is drawn towards. Body pillow shamers are just denying their natural instincts.


Part 3 : My Mom

Fuck you mom you piece of shit how fucking dare you not allow me to bring my cum jar to the mall you fucking cunt honestly i cannot believe how fucking obnoxious you are what the fuck what if i needed to yank one out while you were taking forever in bed bath and beyond


In conclusion – Virgins are the most underrepresented members of our society and should be given girlfriends for life