Some are super smart. I wouldn’t be comfortable eating a parrot, even if that particular parrot was an asshole in life. But turkeys, you see, are the stupidest fucking animal I’ve ever personally interacted with. I doubt they’re even sentient. Every year, at least one (out of four that we raised) would do something shockingly moronic, like drown in a pothole or fall off a roof and die. They were almost as mean as swans, but nowhere near as smart, so they’d do stupid fucking shit like attack scarecrows or fence posts that looked particularly objectionable to them. They’d always find the most inconvenient places to shit, usually doorways, sidewalks, or all over each other. One year, ours accidentally got out, started breeding in the woods, and now that area has about five dozen turkeys that sit around in the middle of the goddamn road as cars come up the hill, waiting to be hit and fuck your car up, I guess.

I hate turkeys.