I’ll start with inappropriate. We all fart, we all know we all fart, farts can smell bad, it’s inappropriate to fart around people because we don’t like smelling the content of another persons asshole. Go away and fart and don’t discuss that fart when you come back and people find your behaviour appropriate.

Why do we think farts are funny? Not all of us do, if I ask my mum to pull my finger my dad will punch me. But I on the other hand am a fan of the fart, especially when a dog farts, looks confused, and clears the room. Farts sound funny both because of the noise they make and where they come from, we all possess a musical instrument called an asshole.

When a bloke lies on his back, puts his legs in the air and makes a mini explosion occur with a flame and his anus, well that’s a damn fine reason to laugh till you wet yourself. My mum is on the proper side, they’re people we love to catch farting, I heard her do it once in my 47 years, when she was about 70, she bent over and out popped a fart, as quick as a flash she said “better out than in” and carried on with her day. WTF? where did she hear that one, fucken classic!!

Little kids farting, well that’s just a joy to behold regardless of their reaction. Some crack up laughing, some look guilty, some don’t give a rats ass and just keep on keeping on. If only we could bottle all their farts from posteriors for posterity. My niece who was only about 3 was in a bank queue with my sister once and the man in front with his bottom at her face level farted, Emily in little kid fashion wasn’t in the slightest perturbed and in a loud voice said “mummy, that mans bottom just burped”. The poor guy was so embarrassed he left, now that would have been hilarious to witness.Then there are the truly hideous farts, the fart that singes your nostril hairs, layers your throat and is like acid in your eyes, these are so bloody funny. “Ohhh you sick bastard, a rat crawled up your ass and died, oh my god, oh my god, I’m going to vomit” all interspersed with howls of laughter. 

The greatest fart I have had the pleasure to behold in my life was, oh wait a second, there’s another to quickly discuss. So I was in a pool hall years ago, only two tables were in use in the wee hours and on the other was a very fat man playing. Every now and again he would let rip the biggest, longest farts I have ever heard. At one point he apologised and we said hey no worries mate, he must have had a medical condition. But while we felt for the guy we were also in quiet hysterics, the clink of the balls, the quiet, occasionally ruptured by death himself exploding from a fat mans asshole, we were defenseless to hilarity.

Back to the greatest fart ever, I’m about 17 and at a mates place who has two older brothers. There are us 3 mates in the room and one older brother, were all talking and generally being dickheads. In walks the other brother from the shower, just a towel around his waist, my mate Gav makes some smartass remark to Gary in the towel and Gary says “get him down on the ground!” We oblige, Gary lowers his ass, pulls his cheeks apart and snaps them shut over Gavs nose and then lets rip a magical fart. Gav jumps up screaming about the wet asshole slapping against his nose and the balls resting on his forehead, really quite horrified by the experience. We laughed for so long, so so long, that was one of the funniest things ever.

So farts are funny because people are so precious about them, ohhh the horror!, because they sound funny, because they smell bad, because they embarrass people, and because whoever you are, high or low, that asshole can always bring you back to earth, it’s the great leveler.