Hey guys, had a question and didn’t know where else to ask.

I’ve been playing a great deal of decks and trying to build some fun, interesting new approaches to existing content. However, I keep getting shut down by Azir/Irelia aggro.

I’ve seriously considered the option of giving up on counter decks, and simply making an Azir/Irelia aggro deck myself. To those of you who have managed to climb ranked with such a deck, would you give me, say, an average parameter on just how small my penis would need to be to play such a deck?

I know that the Azir/Irelia community is rather exclusive and gatekeeps entrance by the strictest of micropenis requirements, thus I fear my normal-sized genitalia may preclude me from playing this aggro archetype.

Several times while trying to build a deck around this archetype, I felt a rather extraordinary pain in two places – my nether region, and my forehead. After twenty minutes experimenting with aggro, my forehead had sloped to the point that if I were to be uncovered by archaeologists, they would very easily classify me as a prehominid. Furthermore, I noticed that a startling amount of my phallus had turned a sickly, necrotic color.

Doing further research into this archetype following my sudden condition, I was shocked to see that the maximum penis length to play such a deck was 1.15 inches (fully erect.) I was also stunned to see that the competitive usage of this deck was cladistically limited strictly to members of the Australopithecus subtribe. I was rushed to the emergency room and spent two weeks in intensive care as the doctors struggled to understand what had occurred. Apparently, while comatose, I simply repeated the words “topdeck avalanche,” over and over.

That brings me to today. Out of the hospital, my forehead surgically reconstructed and my penis mostly intact. I ask you now, Azir/Irelia aggro players: do you think, given the circumstances, that I should attempt to build such a deck again? Do you think the upcoming balance changes will change the requirements described herein?

Thanks for any and all input 🙂