The science is settled. Sparkling water is the choice of people with class and character. Still water is the choice of people with closed minds, amateur palate and unsophisticated senses of humor. Sparkling water drinkers don’t panic when still water is served to them by accident. Yet if you serve sparkling water to a still water drinker, they behave as if they were just handed a glass of battery acid. Still water drinkers are the same sort of people who opt for “vapes” over cigars and Apple Watches over mechanical timepieces.