Man. This really awakens memories for me. My college girlfriend, Gloria, used to wake me up every morning by ramming a Super Soaker filled with ice water up my ass and pulling the trigger. She was such a beautiful soul, so playful and energetic. I’d spring from my slumber, jokingly giving chase to my giggling lover with the barrel of the intrusive squirt gun still protruding from my anus. It would bounce left and right with every running step I took.

She’d set up these little trip wires and other booby traps around our dorm, knowing I’d still be groggy from sleep. I’d fall on my face, landing on a bed of thumbtacks that punctured my flesh and eyeballs.

“You little schemer!” I’d chuckle while brushing myself off and rising back to my feet, continuing to run after her like some dopey retard.

Eventually I’d corner her in the tiny closet on the far end of our dorm, where she’d laughingly slug me in the nuts with a rake until I’d involuntarily piss blood all over the floor. Jesus. How I loved this woman.

A week before we were to be married in the summer of ’93, my loving angel died suddenly when she choked to death on some grape, Big League Chew bubblegum. The people she was with when she died said Gloria started ramming a ten-inch dildo, she kept in her purse, in and out of her ass while gagging on the gum. The frightened bystanders were very freaked out by all this, but I know this was just Gloria’s special way of letting me know she was alright, and content with facing her own imminent mortality.

Not a day goes by where I don’t long for the plastic feel of a Super Soaker nozzle up my ass – spraying its powerful, trademark torrent of water deep inside me. I miss you, Gloria. God, how I miss you.

edit: thank you all very much for the love, prayers, thoughts and support. i’m certain gloria would shove a super soaker up each and everyone of your asses if she were still here.