Partner, I grew up in the time of squiggly nips and static erotica on Channel 99.

My generation could tell the quality of a person’s private parts from a single pixel or an entire sine wave of color.

Hell, sometimes the videos were in a whole different language, but we’d have our living room TV’s volume on the absolute lowest possible setting and could still decipher what the people were saying.

Sitting there alone, trying to block the light of the TV from hitting the hallway so your parentals wouldn’t see or hear evidence of the sins we exposed our eyeholes to, half of us got our eyesight so destroyed at that young age it’s the whole reason adults started saying “if you masturbate you’ll go blind”, but that was only partially true, it’s because we had those massive cathode ray tubes inside the glass housing blasting light waves into our skulls while showing us projections of the general suggestion of a naked body in a fever dream landscape of confusion and uncertain attraction to the technocolored game of “What Body Part Is This?”

This potato quality video is practically 8K 240hz Uber HD compared to the stuff we tried to watch as kids that looked like it’d been drawn in real time by a blind 5 year old using Crayons for the first time and had only ever heard of what sex was by hearing their mom’s “new friend” come over and make mac and cheese in her bedroom after night night time.

Don’t ever doubt the ability for youngin’s brain’s ability to fill in the gaps of what a sex-related video should look like, that thing works better than frog DNA when trying to make dinosaurs for a poorly planned theme park.

Pixels? More like freedom units for porno flicks.

Quit acting brand new.