The Santa Clause is a terrible system for working out a successor. It basically rewards murdering and robbing Santa in order to gain his powers. Like, how is that sustainable? Was the Santa that Tim Allen killed a murderer before him? What happens if someone like Jeffrey Dahmer gets the coat? You’d have a serial killer who could travel anywhere and break into any house regardless of security system. And the elves can do nothing about it! Not shit! It’s fucked.

And then it’s revealed that he has to get married or he’ll lose his Santa powers? What honkey ass wrote that shit? So what? Are we supposed to believe that Santa needs a wife in order to deliver gifts every year? What does the Missus Claus even do? She’s not there to provide Shanty Clause with a successor, that’s for sure. The first movie already covered how he finds a successor and they sure as hell ain’t gonna have their kid commit patricide. Also, what kind of a thot…

…And then there’s the escape clause. Oh God, the escape clause. So not only can Santa opt out of being Santa via time travel magic, but he could’ve done that the entire time! So what? The elves just conveniently forgot about the fucking Butterfly Effect magic they had just lying around? And we’re all supposed to be okay with the fact that the previous Santa is dead for good now? “Oh hey, remember that guy you all loved (not a serial killer) who died? Turns out we could’ve saved them this whole time, but we forgot!” Isn’t that funny? Doesn’t it make you laugh? Good ol’ Saint Nick got replaced by Tim the fucking tool man Taylor and his easy whore of a wife who agrees to marriage in just a few months of dating. How the fuck does that happen? And Jack Frost? Fucking Jack Frost? What are we, Rise of the Guardians now? And don’t even get me started on that horrific makeup job! And then he gets beaten by a fucking hug? A HUG? What is this, a shitty Christmas movie? OH WAIT, IT IS A SHITTY CHRISTMAS MOVIE?

#FUCKING TIM ALLEN!