I’m 20, I jerk off like every day. Tonight was the last time.

It sure as hell doesnt help how I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’m lonely and desperate so hit up a guy to suck my dick! I’m straight……. Like what is wrong with me, we exchanged pics, vids, of my junk, my face, my fucking address……..

I nutted tonight and realized how wrong and gross and sad that was, and I really thought about my life in general and who I truly am as a person and my friends and family and fucking all of it, (sorry for the swearing but I’m feeling a lot of things right now) I realized this isn’t like me at all.

I was freaking out so much feeling disturbed, mentally scarred maybe but I hate my self rn and cant look at myself in the mirror and i just feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I’ve had post nut before but not like this….. Its because I grew up as an innocent child (we all did) with strict parents. I was never meant to go down the path of girlfriends and sex and all that bullfuckery.

I can’t even talk to family rn, how am I suppose to act like nothing is happening like a guy isn’t about to suck.me off 2morow and just talk with them? It’s ridiculous!!! I am so fucking gross and sad.

Today I took it too far. I’m glad I did, I fucking needed smthn like this to hit me and make me realize there is more to life……. Life is full of beautiful things and experiences.

Cuz all I want is to be looked at, smiled at, to laugh with someone, to cry with someone, to listen to someone, to be admired, to be touched.

I hate having no one who can tell me “everything will be okay” when I really need to hear it or sum1 to give me a hug when I rly need one.

Most importantly I want everything back to normal :((( I am so sad and lost and embarrassed at my self for trying to get a guy to suck me ffs…….. I just had to vent about it cuz I am done with all this sex non sense.

The inner child in me is screaming and begging to come out and I can hear it. I want that innocent life back. I wanna see girls not as things that give me pleasure. I wanna just do normal things that I love doing.