I’m a shitty teenager who makes shitty decisions. What can I say? This may sound like some shitty cliche from some shounen. But. Whenever I try and make friends and have fun, I always just mess it up. It’s like every time I feel like I finally get close to someone, I always mess it up. Then I end up hurting them, me, and everybody around us. By the time I realize my mistakes it’s already too late. These things lead me back to one idea. One shitty cliche. Why should I even get close to people at all? Why should I even make contact with them? It’s all going to be over in a matter of time anyways. Sorry for getting kinda emotional. Hmm i guess 80 years without human contact would be pretty boring. Hell, it probably would. I’ve never been good with making friends you know. I was always the weird guy. The guy who would do crazy things for attention. What’s even the point? Sometimes I ask myself that. Why even socialize in the first place? They say ‘it’s the little things in life.’ Maybe that saying isn’t directed towards the small things in our every day lives, but of the small joy that we experience in our lifetime. You know… every time I experience these kinds of feelings… I’m always in an emotional state… like I am now. I’ve experienced this feeling over and over again. But I’ve never, in any of those moments, brought myself to write it down. Was it because I just couldn’t? Or that I never wanted to write those things down? I think I wanted to write it down, but I didn’t feel it was important later in life. Yet, these things keep happening over and over again, getting even worse. And yet, I ignore it… for the small pleasure I still have in my life. I used to have siblings that I used to spend time with. But that was long ago. They’ve long since moved away, and grew into adults. I wonder if I would have been happier if I grew up with them. Am I the unlucky one for being born later? Should I have spent more time with them? I always liked my brother He was a cool guy. He always had cool things, and when I was little, he used to show me cool things all the time and fool around with me. The more I grew up, the further I seemed from him. He never hanged out with me anymore. He always went out with his friends. I never really did get to know him. The only memories I really have of him were when I were little. My sister… I guess you could say I spent more time with her… However, by the time I was spending time with her, she was already in college, already moving out of the life without parents. I never really got to know the version of my sister in high school. They both left me. Of course, it was unavoidable. They were going to grow up eventually. But what did they leave me? Nothing. You know… of all times I get emotional, this has been the most I’ve ever rethought my life. Of course, life isn’t a shounen manga. That feeling doesn’t last forever. I wish it did. I might even be a better person. But… You forget feelings. You forget memories. That is the sad truth of life. I’m literally crying right now. However, this feeling won’t last forever. As all feelings don’t. That feels like a curse. Never am I able to experience the feelings as I did as a child. Never am I able to experience of the amount of joy I felt as a child. Where did those feelings go? Just off into space? All I have left is the small fun I get from playing games. And the stupid things that make me laugh occasionally. Is it because I don’t socialise? Do I need friends? I always thought it would be better by myself. Even in elementary school. Heck, I even liked it. It was a break from all the chaos from other people in the world. Yet, here I am, still left in this hole. What did I expect? Someone to dig me out? Of course, no one would want to. After all, I haven’t even attempted to get out.