I saw Xi Jinping at a wet market in Wuhan yesterday. I told it how cool it was to meet him in person, but didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for a vaccine or anything.

He said, Oh, like you’re doing now?”

I was taken aback, and all I could say was cough but he kept cutting me off and going cough? cough? cough? and opening partially built hospitals in my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and heard him chuckle as I collapsed. When I came to the airport to escape the quarantine I saw him trying to walk on a plane with like fifteen bats in his hands without going through customs.

The girl in the hazmat suit was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to release lethality statistics and prevalence first.” At first he kept pretending the virus was largely contained and a vaccine already existed, But eventually made corrections and released them to the public.

When she took one of the bats and started testing it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to test them each to “prevent any electrophoretic infetterence”, and then turned around and coughed on me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she tested each bat and put them in a soup and started to say the R0, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.