Giggling is not real. It’s a cutesy way to say you laughed. That’s it. You laughed. So say you fucking laughed. It’s that simple.

“Oh, look at me! I giggled, senpai. I’m so adowable teehee uWo” shut the actual fuck up. You’re not cute because you laugh a specific way. You’re not interesting or sexy because your laugh is as dainty as your self-confidence is.

“Giggle” is a stupid, stupid word. Nothing about “giggling” makes you compelling or unique. It’s a totally natural and instinctual response to new, unexpected information, known as LAUGHING.

You do not guffaw because you are an ignoramus. You are an ignoramus because you use the word guffaw to describe your laugh. When the captions on screen for my daily consumption of Spongebob Squarepants illegal livestreams on Youtube describe Patrick Star’s laugh as a guffaw, I shudder violently.

The word is so ugly. I dont even want to type it again. It’s that bad. Just say you fucking laughed. Is it so wrong to laugh??? Laugh like a normal human being.

I once used the word chortle about my dad’s laugh. He beat me senselessly. Every blow to my 5-year-old face was a chortle. And he emphasized that. “This is a chortle. You want another chortle? Chortle this, bitch.”

It all made sense from that day forward. My IQ was lifted 174 points from my previous 73. I was accepted into Harvard at the age of 6, and began teaching courses in Theoretical Physics, German, Philosophy, and Women and Gender Studies by 7. By 9, I went to Budapest to receive spiritual enlightenment, when the head monk spoke to me, “One does not arrive at a place he resides at.”

All because I stopped using those ridiculous placeholders for words.

You only howl if you’re a wolf. An actual wolf. Not one of those fucked up kins or whatever they call themselves now who can rot in hell like the rest of us, but sooner and slower.

You only snort if you’re my crack addict of a mother.

You only wheeze if you have asthma like an absolute idiot (that’s a rant for another day, but in short: just fucking breathe, fuckwit).

Giggle. Guffaw. Chortle. Howl. Snort. Wheeze. They’re lazy descriptive shortcuts for laughing; so lazy, in fact, that some people have as much trouble describing their laugh without those words, as they would trying to describe a color’s appearance. You can make it so much simpler. Just. Fucking. Laugh.