I thought I was home free. Vacant seat beside me right up till 6:58 prior to a 7 o’clock take off when, who would turn out to be the fattest and most irritating man in human history steps aboard the plane.

As he walks down the aisle I look behind myself and see no seats available. I look back, and he’s making eye contact with me as he side steps through the aisle.

I am forced into the centre seat as there is no way this man could possibly engage with it. This is a common courtesy move – considering I did not wish for the beautiful woman beside to endure the overwhelming and rancid smell of a sweaty man who clearly eats far, far, too many helpings of garlic.

This at this point is tolerable – forgivable. I do not judge a man based off his body no matter how inconvenient he is.

– then the open mouth snoring begins, of which smells familiar, but more intense, to that of the smell emanating from his globular figure.

Being in the centre seat you would think he would afford my the grace of having the side arm.

He does not. You would think he would angle into the aisle. Saving me from crushing my testicles for 1.5 hours.

He does not.

The man is invasive, dare I say, insidious. And as the plane lands, and I seek to make my escape as my body overheats due to my proximity to this Titan, I am obstructed. The man has chosen to sleep through off boarding as others pass by. Several attempts to wake him fail, and I believe him to be faking his slumber as the snoring has ceased.

Finally, with one mighty shout, I wake him up. The man opens his eyes, looking to me as I am the most irritating man alive. And he finally gets up.

4 mins to go before the bus departs, my discount airline gate is at the far end of the airport. My body fails me as I can simply no longer navigate the human congestion, or run the distances required.

I exit door 8 as the bus drives away. Because I will now be waiting for over an hour, I head for the bathroom to take a coffee shit.

Ten mins pass, someone outside passive aggressively coughs to make me aware they are waiting. Had I known who it was, had I known it was the most irritating human I’ve ever met, I would not have flushed. And I would not have left. Yet there he was, there he was against all odds as I exited. Glaring ignorantly at me as he meets the most irritating man of his entire morning.