If I ever had a terminal disease, I’d have a realistic looking seal wetsuit made. I’d go take dips around Orca hunting grounds, and wait for that kawaii black and white face to appear from the depths. I just hope id be alive long enough to feel my broken seal boy body sliding down into its salty gullet. Then my final form could be complete, I’d then be extruded out of its whale anus a few days later as actual whale stool. What a dream!

(Edit: for all you people asking about if Orcas can digest wetsuits… I don’t have an answer. Please stop asking this question, as it is causing me a lot of anxiety and grief. You’re making me have second thoughts about my AIDS-infused-SealSuit-Aquatic-Hospice solution. If I can’t be properly digested by a whale than what’s the point of the sickly seal ruse? I wouldn’t do this to get one over on Willy. Like grandpa (charter fisherman, swallowed whole by Sperm Whale in 1987) used to say “Lampoons are like Harpoons, and whales have feelings too!” – So, I guess it’s more of an issue of respect. I’ve been working on my “Arf Arf!” in hopes it will stimulate an Orcas hunger or lust for my Seal Flesh. I hope my body provides a good meal for Keiko! Tee-Hee!

Does anyone know if they make digestible wetsuits? Or something eco-friendly that I can still have altered to create a realistic seal disguise? Thanks)

(Edit numero two: Holy manatee! Thanks for the gold! I’m humbled)

(Edit tree: A silver, too?! Looks like a sexy lil fish scale imo. Thanks! When the orcas large incisor slams down through my skull and severs my corpus calloseum nerve cluster, I hope this day and all of your support is the last thing going through my soon to be whale turd brain)

(Edit foah: Another silver?! At this rate I’m gonna be a lil slutty steelhead swimmin upstream waiting for a big strong kodiak bear to scoop me up and take me on a wild ride down their giant esophagus)

(Edit V: I got so excited to see another silver fish scale that I almost released a bunch of squirmy lil minnows out my male humanoid blowhole)

(Edit 666: I feel like Judas with all of this silver. I’d much rather feel like a steaming pile of narwhal excrement. Could you imagine coming out that warm porpoise butt and into the Arctic waters?)

(Edit Se7en: So, I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. I have silver poisoning like the blue guy on Oprah. My thoughts drift like a seal pup, bobbing in an endless sea. On one hand, I want to be chewed up and turned into chunky ass chum, but on the other hand – I wouldn’t mind being drawn and quartered by a pack of dolphins. When you close your eyes and think about it real hard, the ocean is actually a big place full of big fun.)

(Edit Ate: This is the first time I’ve received 2 golds. Thank you kind stranger! So hear me out: I’d like to leave with a parting Cautionary tale of crustacean coitus:

Once upon a time there was a Red Lobster employee named Chester Tester the Lobster Molester. Chester lived a painful duality. On one hand, he was responsible for the horrible abuses exacted upon the live resident lobsters. On the other hand – he’s also responsible for the claw-assisted penile and scrotal abuses he’d suffer as due penance. Though, he always blames it on the poor sea scorpions. He was a tortured soul, a restless warden of the Waiting Tank. Sometimes the poor souls would go into the boiling pot, sometimes they’d get taken into the janitors closet, where the sounds of snapping claws and Chester’s moaning echoed out into the lobby, often startling the positively perturbed prawn-plating patrons. Either way, this Darden’s Restaurant location was a living hell for our little clawed critters. Their fates were sealed every time Chester stuck his scarred and mangled hands into the tank. The ones who got dropped into the pot are the lucky ones. The ones who went in the closet might get a few licks in, but they get the ass end of the deal. Sometimes literally.

Anyway, if you’re ever in the waiting tank – just hope you get dropped in the pot. You don’t want to go into the closet with Chester Tester the Lobster Molester)