This is why I sometimes ruin my own fun time with porn because every once in a while I get stuck in a logic loop and applying logic to a porn plot is like trying to apply logic to religion.

“But depcrestwood,” I hear you asking, “why not just skip ahead in the video so the setup doesn’t ruin it for you?”

Because, dear redditor, story progression is important to me. *Okay?* Sometimes it’s not enough for me to just watch a porn scene. I want to know how the couple ended up accidentally fucking on the merry-go-round. I mean, I get it, there’s already a lot of up and down motion going on, but still … there is a very specific set of circumstances where two people riding different wooden horses suddenly end up banging each other on the unicorn, and my brain won’t just brush it off. I mean, half of my brain is just curious if the unicorn’s horn ever comes into play, but the other half of my brain wants to know what happened to lead to this. And it would be one thing if it was just two people somehow riding alone on a merry-go-round and one said to the other “Hey, let’s meet up on the unicorn and see how many holes we can fill!”, but it’s never that, is it? Of course not. It’s always something like these two were thrilled that they had a merry-go-round to themselves and they figured it would be a blast, but they both wanted to ride a unicorn and this ride only had the one unicorn so they both decided to ride it at the same time despite all the other perfectly good wooden horses just begging to be sat on. And then maybe the woman was wearing a skirt and she had accidentally ripped her stockings in the crotch area, and maybe the guy accidentally took Viagra instead of his multivitamin before showing up at the park after hours and silly him, he went commando in his gym shorts and … you see where this is going.

The point is, it’s a ludicrous plot that follows no logical path and yet those two are clearly having sex on a unicorn despite the fallacies in the story. I’m not the type of person to let that sort of thing pass. If I’m watching a bad movie, I turn that movie off. I storm out of the theater and demand a refund! I wonder about my life choices that led to me being in a theater showing movies about merry-go-round sex!

Am I taking it too far? I think not! I think most people *don’t take it far enough!* Is it so difficult to demand a decent story precedes the inevitable creampie? Even if it’s just a “Netflix and chill plot,” at least that makes sense! At least then I’m not pulled out of my revelry by the crime of shitty writing!

And for fuck’s sake, if you’re doing a gym scene, at least act like you’ve used the butterfly press before. You’re in decent shape, so one must assume you’ve seen the inside of a gym more than once. You can’t believably pull off a butterfly press for three reps before you’re interrupted by a giant cock in your mouth? Is that so much to ask?

Porn needs to get its shit together, is all I’m saying.

Now … what were we talking about?