If you’re under 25 years old👵 — or an immature 30-➕plus➕ — I’m about to 📐set📐 your ass straight.
So, 👂listen👂 up 🆙.
Your music 🎸🎸 is fucking garbage🚯🚯.
There, I said it🇮🇹.
Mindless crap. Eardrum-bursting, dagger🗡-in-the-😙eyes😙😙, ass-bagging, blow 🌬 your fucking brains out — unadulterated dog🐶 shit💩. That pretty much sums 🔺up🔺🔺 the type of music🎷 that’s popular with today’s young🌱 people👬.
Listen, you stupid sons of bitches. I’m 💬talking💬 at you. I’m your elder. My opinion demands respect.
Your music🎷 hasn’t got🉐 life. It’s fucking dead☠☠. Your music 🎺🎺 is void of humanity. It’s as 🅰️ fake as🅰️ a 🅰️🅰️ porn queen’s orgasm. There’s 😣no😣 soul. It’s tripe. It’s 🅰️a🅰️ carp🎏 in the sea🏄 of music🔣. The stuff you 👂listen👂 to was created by fucking machines.
Today’s “artists” — there’s an oxymoron — don’t even 🌕 need to know how to play ⏪ musical instruments🎻🎻 or sing. In other words🆑, no ❎ fucking talent whatsoever is needed to succeed today in music🔣. You 🇭🇲heard🇭🇲 me. No. Talent. Whatsoever.
And, I’m fucking sick😷 of it🇮🇹 because the current generation is taking the gold we gave you and dragging it🇮🇹🇮🇹 into a 🅰️ sewer🕳.
Listen up🔺, you little pricks. I’m not stuck in some kind of classic rock time🕝 warp. Fact is, I expose myself to many different kinds of 🎻music 🎻. I give all 🔀music🔀 a🅰️ chance. Even the techno-trash🚯 🚯littering🚯 the modern 🎸music🎸 scene is something I’ve tried to digest, which I 🔍found🔍 to be 💑like 💑 choking down⏬ a🅰️ plate🍽🍽 of raw oysters laced with salmonella.
It would be nice to enjoy fresh musical acts🎭🎭. I want to hear👂 📰new📰 songs. I like💛 some 🌱young🌱 people 👭, especially when they 🉐get🉐 my order📑 right▶️. But real 🔘music🔘 is written and performed🎭 by humans👴, not 🅰️a🅰️ fucking 🖥computer🖥 📻program 📻 🔗linked🔗🔗 🆙up🆙🆙 to a🅰️ laser show📺.
Fact: The ➕more➕➕ 💠fancy💠 gadgets 📷 and distractions you need, the most your 🎺music🎺 just flat out sucks.
Music should convey some sense of humanity — who we are, and what😦 we feel. I know that’s a🅰️ hard concept to digest since your idea💡 of a🅰️ relationship is picking⚒ up ☝️ a🅰️ new🇳🇨 Twitter follower. Where’s the love💗 and romance💏💏 in the mind-numbing rubbish that’s 🎯played 🎯 at most nightclubs? Is there any conveyance pain and loss? Or 😤pride 😤😤 and joy 😂😂? How about playing ⏪ 🅰️a🅰️ catchy tune that’s just fun 🎳🎳 to sing along with?
Is that too much to fucking ask🙏?
I don’t expect to like💒 everything that’s new🇳🇨. As an amateur observer of the human👤 condition, I 🆓freely 🆓 acknowledge that successive generations are obliged to a🅰️ continuation of the species which sometimes entails pushing boundaries and violating the preferences of their elders. History 📺shows📺 the ➕more ➕ 😎radically😎 different one1️⃣1️⃣ generation is from one1️⃣ to the next ➡️➡️, the greater degree🎓 of innovations are sparked from such permutations. Music is just 1️⃣one 1️⃣ by-product of inevitable cultural and technological shifts, sometimes mislabeled 🅰️as🅰️🅰️ advances.
Yes, yes👍, yes🉑! New music 🔣🔣 should piss off 📴 plenty of parents👪 and leathery jokers🃏 like💋 me. At least I’ll 👍accept👍 “cultural evolution” 🅰️as 🅰️ being 😑 inevitable, and necessary.
If you don’t believe this, take 🅰️a🅰️ look👀 at the past 💯century💯. Nearly a🅰️ hundred💯 years ago, traditional musicians hated😡 a🅰️🅰️ new📰📰 sound🔈🔈 called📲 🎷jazz🎷. Later, jazz🎷 loyalists 😡despised😡 rock n’ 🙄roll 🙄 and even🌒🌒 the early🕟 🎵sound🎵 of Motown. After that, the rockers hated😡 disco🔮 music 🎧. Then, just about everyone hated😡😡 New Wave and the 1980’s. Next came rap music🔀 which irritated everyone over the age of 30. Now, it’s hip hop and something called📲📲 dubstep, which is essentially 🔀music🔀🔀 made by computers🖲 and sound⏏-making software. This garbage♻️♻️ makes rap sound⏫ like👬 fucking Amadeus.
There’s 🅰️a🅰️ reason this “music” is used as🅰️🅰️ a🅰️ weapon🔪🔪 🔛on🔛 suspected terrorists, forcing them to wear earphones and being 😑 bombarded with such abuse for hours. I’m not making this 🔺up🔺. This is the brain-frying🍤🍤 💩shit💩💩 they put on🔛🔛 the 🎧headphones🎧🎧 and strap to the ears 🌾 of prisoners who are handcuffed behind their backs🔙 and 💺sit 💺 naked in jail 📵cells📵 while they are forced to endure this madness 💢. I’d rather 🍃blow🍃 my fucking brains out, and if I ever did managed to 🉐get🉐🉐 out, I’d be 💨running 💨 📴off 📴 to join 🈴 the nearest terrorist cell📵 in order📑 to extract my revenge.
I know 😦what😦 you’re thinking🤔. You want to go after my 🎸music🎸. You want to blast away at me. Go ahead, fuckers. See if you can top⏫ 😦what😦 I like💘 at the conclusion of this article. You’re drawing📏📏 🆘so🆘 fucking ☠dead ☠ you should 🌝even🌝 be in my 🃏game🃏.
So, what😦 constitutes real music📻📻? Here’s 🅰️a🅰️🅰️ list of things I believe to be essential.
REAL MUSIC DEFINED BY NOLAN DALLA:
(1) Real music🔀🔀 is created by 🙆humans🙆🙆, not by a🅰️ machine or 🅰️a🅰️ computer⌨.
(2) Real music 🎻 🈶has🈶 structure and consistency.
(3) Real 🎸music🎸 elicits real 💟emotions 💟 — of 💏love 💏, loss, anger 💢, fear😨, happiness😌, hope 🙏, inspiration, or anything related to the gambit of being🐝 human🚮.
(4) Real music🔀🔀 requires talent.
(5) Real music 🔀 requires instruments🎺 and/or voices.
(6) Real 🎧music 🎧 should be 🚷cross🚷 generational.
(7) Real music🎧🎧 shouldn’t need gadgets🎧 or special effects to be enjoyed.
When 1️⃣one1️⃣ of those fucking machines creates 🅰️a🅰️ sound🔕 that can somehow match this magical majesty, then give me 🅰️a🅰️🅰️ call📲📲. Until then, don’t label 🏷🏷 what😦 you listen👂 to as🅰️ “music.” It’s not music🔀🔀. It’s garbage🚯.m