Many years ago, when I was just discovering the joys of beating off, my hormone-addled brain thought, “Huh, hand soap is a good lube.” I now want to scream into the void: NO, IT IS NOT. Do not, under any circumstance, use soap as a lubricant. Do you want to talk about chafing? Holy sweet fuck I have never experienced anything like it before or since. Soap will dehydrate your dick until the skin starts cracking. And whew, boy, my dick looked like the arms of one of those krokodil addicts in Eastern Europe.

I’ve abused stimulants, and really just about any drug you can think of, so I know what it’s like to get numb down there, but you just keep going because fuck it, I’m high as shit and it feels nice. That is until you finally get off, and your dick looks like it’s been stuck in a tanning bed for an hour. Still, nothing compares to my stupid 13 year old self using soap to masturbate with.

Just a warning to all, it’s a bad fucking time. It took about a month for things to go back to normal after that spate of soap-lubricated beat off sessions.