Yeah, I’d make a good soldier.

Why? Because I auto-lock dps.

Every game I auto-lock Bastion. I show no mercy for my enemies and mow them down one by one. I don’t discriminate–no matter what race, gender, or religion my enemy belongs to, I kill them all without asking questions, as a soldier should.

Sometimes if my teammates are bitching a lot for a healer I’ll pick Soldier: 76, although I’m not a medic. That shit’s gay.

When roll queue came around I was really irritated having to wait 10 minutes to get my killing fix. But I figured out a work-around: skirmish in between games, auto-lock Bastion, set up right outside the enemy spawn, and rain bullets down on anyone who walks out. Sometimes the enemy comes up to me and says hi, pretending to be friendly. But you mustn’t fall for it, this is obviously a form of psychological warfare. Any good soldier could point this out instantly. Because of my great warfare tactics, my skirmish kd is 372.6.

So when World War 3 rolls around, the US army is going to come begging for me. As long as I have my rations of Mountain Dew and Doritos, I’ll be an unstoppable killing machine.