Everyone knows that poop gets stored in the cheeks, Matt. I am sick and tired of you denying this astonishing discovery! Extensive research shows that any nutrients not absorbed in the digestive tract get processed through your large intestine for the final stages of digestion and get stored into the Gluteus Medius, Minimus, and Maximus of your derrière! Imagine this, please; you see a voluptuous female walking around your local JC Penney’s. A prime specimen for your breeding needs. You take your chances on courting her and provide ample reasons that you two should procreate. Your attempt is fruitful, and she concurs that you are the chosen one to plant your seed into her fertile womb. It is decided that it is only appropriate to commence this act in a private place and proceed to your residence to begin. You prop her up on your viscoelastic mattress topped with pristine, achromatic, white sheets. As you are about to partake in ye’ Olde “Squeeze and Squirt,” you give her rear end a smack so hard that it would make the Bologna Massacre of 1980 look like child’s play. As you pull your hand back from the god-like smack, you notice that her buttocks are not as breathtaking as it once was. It has withered to the size of an adolescent baboon’s butt and has the characteristics of the Sun-Maid raisins you used to eat as a child. The putrid smell of 5-day old meat locked in a freezer without electricity fills your household, leaving it indistinguishable from a slum filled with Dalits in Patna. You look at your hand to see it covered in a soupy brown & green bile with small malleable chunks accompanying it. Your once pure Aryan race-Esque sheets now resemble the same muddy color as the aboriginals of Australia. Any prognosis you had about this once prime breeding prospect has since vacated your smooth brain. You recoil in disgust upon this realization, and the now undesirable maiden peers back to you. Only to utter, “I apologize, Monsieur, I have been afflicted with Clostridium Difficile Colitis for quite some time now. Thank you for resolving this issue. May we continue with coitus?” Now you begin to believe what I have been preaching all along. You start to think, “None of this would’ve happened if I would’ve just listened…” You spot your Remington 870 in the corner of your room. You have meant to clean it for some time now but have never gotten to it. Knowing that you never unloaded it from the last time you used it, you walk over towards the gun and begin to grab it. Here is where our story concludes. No one knows where you will go from here; all we know is that none of this would have happened if you respected the fact that poop gets stored in the cheeks. I encourage you to watch this video. This short tape is backed by multiple scholars and goes into great depth about this scientific discovery. Thank you.

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGw-8FrRT1E](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGw-8FrRT1E)

 V/r,

Doctor Monke

Ph.D. in Poopology