I’m posting this here because I don’t know who you are or what you want but it’s time to stop this. I admit it was funny at first, I’d come home occasionally and find a lawn gnome on my porch, I figured, hey if one of my friends want to waste their money on some stupid prank go ahead and let them, you know? I thought I’d just ignore you and you’d just get bored and stop. Plus free lawn gnomes right? I was particularly fond of the one with Mickey Mouse ears on his hat.

But you didn’t get bored now did you? Oh no, you just had to keep going further and further and further and further. I don’t know how you found out where I work but you scared me to death finding the garden gnome in the dumpster area at work. That thing was huge too, and calling my boss and asking him to make me give the damn thing back wasn’t funny, okay well maybe a bit. He laughed at least. But then you just kept calling and calling and calling and calling and calling and calling and calling? How did you get his personal number? I got wrote up and suspended for a week for that little stunt I’ll have you know.

Then you went away for a while, the gnomes stopped. I wanted to believe it was over. But then I got your letters. Where do you find the time to draw a thousand and twelve unique pictures of naked gnomes? I barely have time to shower before bad at night and here some idiot creep loser can make endless erotic fanarts of garden gnomes? Is there any justice in this world? What do you even gain from this other than hand cramps and some sick satisfaction at knowing I had to pay out of pocket to get rid of that awful 4 foot gnome off my lawn? How much did that cost?! Do you work at gnome factory?! Do you just have piles of gnome cash laying around? You could be giving to charity or to your preferred presidential candidate or maybe instead of gnome pictures just send me a big box of money! No wait, I really would rather you never reach out to me again…

STOP CALLING MY FAMILY. They don’t like you, they don’t like gnomes, and they don’t like me anymore because of you! They reckon I’m in on the joke! AM I A JOKE TO YOU. IS THIS ALL A JOKE?! YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE! Stop calling at three in the morning, telling me factsa about Phillip Griebe! I don’t care he created gnomes, no one cares, no one has ever cared, and no one will ever care! What is wrong with you. Is this a cry for help? Do you need help? Then go a professional not my house!

How are you getting in my house? I thought you must have gotten a key from my ex, so I changed all the locks and had the police search for any openings, but you still keep getting in with no signs of entry! That is not okay! None of this is okay! Gnomes don’t belong in fridges! How long did it take you to paint as those gnome pictures and where are my posters?! Where are my hamsters?! I haven’t seen them since you replaced them with gnomes! I bet you killed them you sick bastard! Nice try replacing all my clothes with gnome costumes, I hid spare outfits months ago suspecting you would try that crap! By far the worst thing you’ve done though is replacing my entire movie collection worth at least $1,500 with copies of Gnomeo and Juliet! I WILL KILL YOU!

TL:DR piss off.