I purchased this after I was confronted by some punks
demanding that I hand over my money. I’m a relatively fit
guy, but I was no match for them. That is when I realized
that I need to protect myself. The day after I bought this
product I went to the very same Wal-Mart parking lot when
I was first mugged. I approached the group of hooligans
standing outside the entrance, concealing my secret
weapon.

I cooly asked “Remember me?”.
One of them looked up and said, “Have you come back to
buy some Samoas or Thin Mints? My Girl Scout Troop needs
to raise more money!”
I replied with “you’re not taking my money this time”. “But
sir, they’re delicious!”, she said.

I whipped out my Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun hand and
shouted “WRONG MOVE The five girl scouts ran
away screaming.

As I pounded my chest in victory, I accidentally activated
the stun gun and applied 950,000 Volts to my right nipple. I
woke up 4 hours later to the sound of heavy footsteps.
Those Girl Scouts had brought their fathers. But I was
ready. I lunged at the largest one with a cry of “RAGGLE
FRAGGLE!!!” and hit him in the stomach. He hit the ground
harder than a fat kid on a jungle gym.

As the others began to circle around me, I changed
techniques. Holding both of my hands in tight fists, I used
my arms to my sides and initiated the helicopter spin. They
all backed oH, fearing my impressive RPM. After a while I
started getting dizzy, and one of the fathers decided to try
to tackle me. As he ran to me stood there, dizzy and
queasy; time was going real slow. Then I remembered. I
had eaten lunch at Chipotle and the burrito was fighting its
way back up my stomach.

I tuned toward my enemy and launched a stream of
projectile vomit at him, knocking him to the ground. Then I
started singing “Let the bodies hit the floor let the bodies
hit the floor, let the bodies hit FL00000RRR1111″

I grabbed my Knuckle Blasher Stun Gun and shoved it into
my mouth, running headfirst at my foes, electrocuting them
with my teeth. Eventually they were all unconscious, and I
walked home victorious.