The apocalypse is upon us.

The series of unfortunate decisions I made up to this point may indeed be to blame for the catastrophe that occured next, namely, my choice of restaurant. The taco is an enticing delicacy, but the burrito even more so – a masterful blend of spices, ground meat, cheese, rice, and beans. When I stepped inside of the Taco Bell at approximately 8:57 A.M. today, a burrito of the aforementioned description was at the forefront of my mind. My body, I naively thought, was more than a match for any ill effects such a meal might contain. In my ignorance, I did not consider how drastic the consequences would be. As I shakily peeled back the wrapping from this heavenly delight, my mouth immediately began to water, saliva drooling from the corner of my lips. I proceeded to ravenously consume the food, as would a man who had abstained from eating for weeks on end. I finished my meal, disappointed that those few minutes of bliss had passed by so quickly, and then drove to work.

It wasn’t until several hours later that I begin to realize the depth of my mistake. A low gurgle arose from deep within my stomach, a wretched call that pleaded desperately for me to seek out a lavatory immediately. I pressed my sweat-soaked palms against the arms of my swivel chair and stood, trembling. I understood what was soon to come. My body was weak with terror, racked by convulsions as the frothing horror within my bowels threatened to burst free. Silently, I made my way to the work restroom only to realize that it was occupied. The gravity of the situation dawned on me and I urgently pounded on the door, yelling, screaming, crying, all in the hopes that my salvation would be made available to me. But alas, the occupant replied, “Yo, shut the fuck up, I’m trying to take a shit.” Upon hearing those words, the last bit of hope I had desperately clung to began to slip away. The gurgle quickly grew to a heavy rumble, and finally an all-encompassing roar as the floodgates of Hades were opened wide. An explosive shit erupted from my ass, tearing my trousers clean off and coating the wall in a thick layer of liquid fecal matter. The smell of ass permeated through the building, knocking my coworkers out cold and causing a pregnant woman to go into labor three months early because the unborn child couldn’t bear the stench. Although I prayed to God that my suffering had ended, I felt another rumble and knew there was no mercy to be had for me. The second eruption blew my ass cheeks wide open, and the bubbly excretion shot straight through the ceiling. The excrement was carried with such incalculable momentum that it struck a Chinese spy satellite orbiting above Colorado as well as instantly obliterating two Delta Airlines flights that had the misfortune of being in the way. Within minutes, the United States and China simultaneously declared war on each other and launched several hundred nuclear weapons at key population centers. Now, in the aftermath, a hellish nuclear winter, I stumble aimlessly through ash and fire. Children, orphaned in the world-ending event that I caused, stop and point when I walk by. Their trembling lips only have the power to utter two words.

ASS-MAN