Luke, did I ever tell you about the dangerous sith, Darth Maul? I first met him when my master and I traveled to Naboo with your prepubescent father to save your mother-to-be. We fought him together, but then we got to a corridor lined with laser doors every few feet or so, so he could conveniently shut them one by one and fight one of us at a time. That’s how he killed my master, which prompted me to rush in in a fit of rage. He pushed me down a long shaft but I managed to hold on to one of the shaft’s knobs. When he thought that victory was certain I jumped back up and used my master’s lightsaber to cut him in half. I saw him fall down the shaft and seperate into two pieces mid air. For years I believed that I had lost another good friend, but to my surprise Maul survived purely through his hate. He even built himself a spider’s torso with 8 legs and everything and lived a life of using a sleazy snake creature to lure victims to his lair so that he could eat them. Little did he know that the night sisters (the same group the sith assassin Ventress, another good friend, came from) summoned his brother out of fart clouds and named him Savage Opress, (they must have had fortune telling abilities too, as he was savage in nature and did a lot of oppressive things) to find Maul. He found him and the night sisters gave him a new pair of robotic legs again with the use of fart cloud magic. The two brothers went on a wild rampage though the outer rim trying to track me down, finally deciding to join forces with a mandalorian terrorist organization to conquer Mandalore, a planet under the rule of Duchess Satine, another good friend who I definitely fucked sometime in the past. They killed her right in front of me, but I got over it in like a day. Then Chancellor Palpatine paid them a visit and killed Savage, ending his oppressive reign. He also decided to keep Maul as a personal fucktoy of sorts, a decision that turned him into a mentally unhinged schizophrenic.

Our final confrontation was like a week ago, when he somehow found me hiding on this planet, a feat that neither Darth Vader nor all of the empire managed to accomplish. We had a spaghetti-western style standoff during which I cut his dual lightsaber in half. This killed him, as that weapon was his only real personality trait. In the end, he was a good friend.