My ๐Ÿ‘ช๐Ÿ‘จ husband ๐Ÿ‘ซ had ๐Ÿ˜ด a miscarriage I ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜€ need ๐Ÿ˜ญ to tell ๐Ÿ‘„ someone ๐Ÿ‘จ about ๐Ÿฅด this, even ๐ŸŒƒ if itโ€™s just ๐Ÿ˜‚ a bunch ๐Ÿผ of random ๐ŸŽฒ people, ๐Ÿค–๐Ÿค–๐Ÿค– because ๐Ÿ˜ค it hurts ๐Ÿค• so much. ๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ™Š We ๐Ÿ‘ฏ are completely ๐Ÿšซ devastated and the weather โ„ here ๐Ÿˆ at home ๐Ÿก๐Ÿก has โ™Œ never ๐Ÿ™… been ๐Ÿ‘ฆ๐Ÿฅœ worse. ๐Ÿ“‰ In ๐Ÿ“…๐Ÿ‘Œ fact, ๐Ÿ“• it was never โŒ bad, ๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ‘Ž but ๐Ÿ˜ฅ now ๐Ÿ•ฅ it seems ๐Ÿ‘€ like ๐Ÿ˜Œ all ๐Ÿ’ฏ the negativity in ๐Ÿ˜”๐Ÿคธโ€โ™‚๏ธ the world ๐ŸŒŽ has ๐Ÿ˜‚ dropped. ๐Ÿ”ฝ๐Ÿ˜ก And I ๐Ÿ˜ˆ canโ€™t ๐Ÿšซ stop โœ‹๐Ÿšซ feeling ๐Ÿ˜Œ like ๐ŸŒŸ๐Ÿ˜Œ crap and guilty. I, ๐Ÿ‘ฅ a cis man, ๐Ÿ‘จ am ๐Ÿ‘„ married ๐Ÿ‘ฐ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ’‘ to a trans ๐ŸŒˆ man. ๐Ÿ‘ด๐Ÿป We ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆ always ๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ‘‰ talked about ๐Ÿ’ฆ children ๐Ÿ‘ง๐Ÿง’๐Ÿ‘ฆ and having ๐Ÿˆถ a family ๐Ÿ‘จโ€๐Ÿ‘จโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆ someday. The initial ๐Ÿ’ฐ idea ๐Ÿ’ญ was adoption, because ๐Ÿงโ€โ™€๏ธ in ๐Ÿ‘‰๐Ÿšซ the beginning ๐Ÿ’†โ€โ™€๏ธ my ๐Ÿ˜Š husband ๐Ÿ˜™๐Ÿ˜™ said ๐Ÿ’ฌ he ๐Ÿ’ฆ couldnโ€™t ๐Ÿšซ bear ๐Ÿ’ฏ to get ๐Ÿ‰ pregnant ๐Ÿคฐ because 2๏ธโƒฃ0๏ธโƒฃ2๏ธโƒฃ1๏ธโƒฃ it would ๐Ÿ‘ช๐Ÿ’€ make ๐Ÿ–• him ๐Ÿ”ช๐Ÿ‘ถ๐Ÿผ have ๐Ÿˆถ gender ๐Ÿšน dysphoria crises, and that ๐Ÿ’ซ he ๐Ÿ‘ฅ would ๐Ÿ‘ช freak โ€ผ๏ธ๐Ÿคช๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿฅด๐Ÿฅฐ out ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜› and feel ๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜ก horrible. ๐Ÿ˜ In ๐Ÿ’†๐Ÿผ addition, he ๐Ÿ‘ˆ๐Ÿ˜ฉ also ๐Ÿ‘ฏโ€โ™‚๏ธ really ๐Ÿ’ฏ wanted/wanted to finish ๐Ÿ the transition once ๐Ÿ”‚ and for ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ‘… all ๐Ÿ‘จ (removal of the uterus, intimate surgery, etc. ๐ŸŒˆ etc.). ๐Ÿ“’ I ๐ŸŽท was fine, ๐Ÿ™Š obviously, ๐Ÿ™„ because ๐Ÿ• I ๐Ÿ˜Š always ๐Ÿ˜ฉ wanted ๐Ÿ˜ the best ๐Ÿ‘Œ for ๐Ÿ˜‡ him. ๐Ÿ‘ด So, we ๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐ŸŒŠ went ๐Ÿ”ด there ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ’พ in ๐Ÿ‘‰ the adoption queue, right. ๐ŸŽ…๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ„ But, ๐Ÿ‘ after ๐Ÿ‘€ a while, โŒš๐Ÿ™„ my ๐Ÿ‘‡ husband ๐Ÿ˜™๐Ÿ˜™ started ๐Ÿ‘ to come ๐Ÿ“ with some ๐Ÿ‘ฝ talk ๐Ÿ’ฌ that ๐Ÿ”€ he ๐Ÿ‘ฅ could ๐Ÿ˜œ get ๐Ÿ‰ pregnant. ๐Ÿคฐ I ๐Ÿ˜€ questioned ๐Ÿค”โ“๐Ÿง it, he ๐Ÿ‘จโ“ said ๐Ÿคฅ โ€œI ๐Ÿ‘ฅ love ๐Ÿ’˜ you, ๐Ÿ‘‰ and I ๐Ÿ˜Š would ๐Ÿ˜Ž definitely โœŠ๐Ÿป accept ๐Ÿ‘ going ๐Ÿ˜’ through ๐Ÿง‘โ€โš–๏ธ the pregnancy if it meant ๐Ÿ‘€ having ๐Ÿ›๏ธ a family ๐Ÿ‘จโ€๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆ with youโ€ ๐Ÿ‘Š something ๐Ÿ’ฉ like ๐Ÿ’— that. ๐Ÿ˜  I ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ”ช got ๐Ÿธ emotional ๐Ÿ˜ญ as hell, ๐Ÿคด and we ๐Ÿ‘ต๐Ÿ‘จ agreed that โžก๏ธ he ๐Ÿ“ท was going ๐Ÿšถ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ to try ๐Ÿ˜ˆ to get ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ‘ pregnant. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ๐Ÿป I ๐Ÿ™€ always ๐Ÿ’… told ๐Ÿคช him โœ… that ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ‘€ if he ๐Ÿ‘จ gave ๐ŸŽ up ๐Ÿ“ˆ๐Ÿ’ต halfway through, ๐Ÿ”› he ๐Ÿ“ท could ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค” tell ๐Ÿคฃ me โœŒ๏ธ and I ๐Ÿ‘ˆ wouldnโ€™t โ›”๐Ÿ‘Ž๐Ÿ‘Ž๐Ÿ™…โ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ™…โ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ™… be ๐Ÿ˜ผ mad. ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿ˜ก He ๐Ÿ‘ฅ always ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ claimed that ๐Ÿ˜ he ๐Ÿ‘จ was confident ๐Ÿงš๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’– that ๐Ÿ™‡๐ŸšŸ he ๐Ÿง‘ wanted ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿฅบ the pregnancy. After ๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ‘€ medical appointments to make ๐Ÿ’˜๐Ÿ‘จโ€โš•๏ธ everything ๐Ÿ˜ฑ work ๐Ÿ’ฐ out, ๐Ÿ˜พ it happened. ๐Ÿค” I ๐Ÿ‘๏ธ donโ€™t ๐ŸŽฎ know ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ‘… if I ๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€ can ๐Ÿ”ซ๐Ÿ’ฆ write โœ’๏ธ this without ๐Ÿ™… crying, ๐Ÿคฃ but ๐Ÿค” basically ๐Ÿ‘Ž๐Ÿ‘Ž the whole ๐Ÿ’ฐ day ๐Ÿ•‘ was hell. ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿฅต Every ๐Ÿ‘ day ๐Ÿ˜ฐ๐Ÿ˜ฐ๐Ÿ˜ฐ he ๐Ÿ‘จ was freaking ๐Ÿคฌ out ๐Ÿ˜ฎโ€๐Ÿ’จ with dysphoria, he ๐Ÿšฉ had ๐Ÿ‘ƒ episodes of sadness (not ๐Ÿšฏ because ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿค” of the baby, ๐Ÿ‘ถ but ๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿ‘ because ๐Ÿ’จ of the situation ๐ŸŽฎ of being โŒ pregnant, ๐Ÿ‘ถ which ๐Ÿค” must ๐Ÿ™‹๐Ÿ‘ be ๐Ÿ difficult ๐Ÿ‘ž for ๐Ÿ˜ him, ๐Ÿ˜ฅ because ๐Ÿบ he ๐Ÿ‘ฅ doesnโ€™t ๐Ÿ˜š see ๐Ÿ‘ฟ himself ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž as a woman ๐Ÿ’…๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘ง and having ๐Ÿ›๏ธ the pregnancy, which ๐Ÿ‘ is one ๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜ฃ of the most ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘‰ biologically feminine acts, ๐ŸŽญ right, ๐Ÿ‘Œ it made ๐Ÿ‘‰ him ๐Ÿ‘‰๐Ÿ‘ด๐Ÿป๐Ÿ†— go ๐Ÿƒ crazy.). ๐Ÿคช I ๐Ÿ† always ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ supported him, ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ calmed him ๐Ÿ‘ด down, ๐Ÿ‘‡๐Ÿ‘ธ took ๐Ÿคฏ his ๐Ÿ† mind ๐Ÿง  off ๐Ÿคค it and tried ๐Ÿ‘€ to make ๐Ÿ’˜ him ๐Ÿ‘‰๐Ÿ‘ด๐Ÿป๐Ÿ†— think ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค” about ๐Ÿค” other ๐Ÿ‘ช things, ๐Ÿ˜ and so we ๐ŸšŸ๐ŸšŸ carried on. ๐Ÿฆพ Meanwhile, ๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ•› I ๐Ÿ˜Š just ๐Ÿผ felt ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜ฐ๐Ÿ˜ฐ๐Ÿ˜Ž more โœ‹ guilty. The real ๐Ÿ”Ž thing ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ™… is I ๐Ÿ‘ฅ should โš ๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ฎ๐Ÿฝ have ๐Ÿˆถ told ๐Ÿคช him ๐Ÿ˜ง we ๐ŸŒฟ should ๐Ÿ’˜๐Ÿค” have ๐Ÿˆถ stayed in ๐Ÿ” foster care. ๐Ÿ‘Œ I ๐Ÿ˜ shouldnโ€™t ๐Ÿ˜จ have ๐Ÿˆถ let ๐Ÿ‘ซ him ๐Ÿ‘ด develop ๐Ÿš€ this pregnancy idea. ๐Ÿ’ก I ๐Ÿ‘ฅ was selfish. ๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜‡ Stupid. ๐Ÿ’ฉ Probably ๐Ÿ™ˆ he ๐Ÿ“ท felt โœ‹๐Ÿป that ๐Ÿ‘น we ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ“Œ would ๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ‘Œ not ๐ŸšซโŒ achieve ๐Ÿ’ฏ anything ๐Ÿ˜ซ by ๐ŸŒˆ๐Ÿ˜ˆ standing ๐Ÿšน in ๐Ÿญ the long ๐Ÿ•š line โž– and, perhaps ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค” for ๐Ÿ’ฆ me, ๐Ÿฅถ he ๐Ÿ“ท decided ๐Ÿค” to do ๐Ÿšถโ€โ™‚๏ธ that. ๐Ÿ˜ป And thinking ๐Ÿค”โ“ that ๐Ÿ˜ way ๐Ÿ‘จ makes ๐Ÿค” me ๐Ÿ˜ feel ๐Ÿฆ‹ like ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„ crap. It was a very ๐Ÿ’โœ… difficult ๐Ÿ‘ž few ๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ”ข months. ๐Ÿ“† But ๐Ÿค” whenever he ๐Ÿ“ท was calmer, we ๐Ÿ’ฃ๐Ÿ˜บ smiled with happiness ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿป in ๐Ÿ‘‡ knowing ๐Ÿ’ญ that ๐Ÿ˜  that ๐Ÿ˜š๐Ÿ’ถ๐Ÿš… situation ๐Ÿ’น would ๐Ÿ’ž pass ๐Ÿ’ฆ and that ๐Ÿ˜ soon ๐Ÿ”œ we ๐ŸŽŽ would ๐Ÿ’ž have โœŠ the family ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆ we ๐Ÿ‘จโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆ dreamed of. It made ๐Ÿ˜น๐Ÿ˜น๐Ÿ˜น๐Ÿ˜น me ๐Ÿ™‹โ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿค™ think ๐Ÿค” that โฌ‡๏ธ he ๐Ÿ‘จ actually โœ… saw ๐Ÿ‘€ it as something ๐Ÿ˜… worthwhile, maybe. ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ But ๐Ÿพ then, โžก๏ธ when ๐Ÿ‘ the crises came, ๐Ÿ’ฆ I ๐Ÿ˜€ knew ๐Ÿ‘“ that, ๐Ÿ‘‚ in ๐Ÿ™ˆ the past, ๐Ÿ—ฟ๐Ÿ—ฟ it was better ๐Ÿ‘€ that ๐Ÿ’ฆ๐Ÿ’ฆ I ๐Ÿ‘‰๐Ÿป had ๐Ÿˆถ๐Ÿ‘‹โœŠ๐Ÿ’” refused ๐Ÿ‘Ž๐Ÿผ and told ๐Ÿ‘„ him ๐Ÿ‘ด that ๐Ÿ˜ I ๐Ÿ‘ฅ care ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜ฉ more โœ‹โœ‹ about ๐Ÿ’ซ his ๐Ÿ† well-being than ๐Ÿ‘‰ anything ๐Ÿ‘ฎ else, ๐Ÿ–ค which ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿคค is true, ๐Ÿ’ฏ but ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ˜ซ at the time ๐Ÿ•˜ he ๐Ÿ‘ฅ assured ๐Ÿ‘พ๐Ÿ‘บ๐Ÿคฒ me ๐Ÿฅบ with so sure ๐Ÿ”œ๐Ÿ”œ that ๐Ÿ˜ I ๐Ÿ˜€ wanted ๐Ÿ˜ the pregnancy, that ๐Ÿ‘„ I ๐Ÿคš๐Ÿฝ just ๐Ÿ‘ฅ accepted โ˜บ๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ it even ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ though โ€ผ๏ธ๐Ÿคจ I ๐Ÿ˜Š knew ๐Ÿค” that ๐Ÿ’ it would ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ† hurt ๐Ÿ˜ข him ๐Ÿ‘จ a lot ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘ mentally ๐Ÿง  (and physically ๐Ÿ‹๏ธโ€โ™€๏ธ too ๐Ÿก because ๐Ÿ’จ itโ€™s a pregnancy, right). ๐Ÿ”ซ I ๐Ÿ’ฐ๐Ÿฟ donโ€™t โœจโŒ๐Ÿšซ know ๐Ÿ˜ if these ๐Ÿ’ฆ๐Ÿฅœ bad ๐Ÿ‘บ๐Ÿ”ฅ feelings ๐Ÿ˜ญ had ๐Ÿ˜— anything ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ to do ๐Ÿ˜š with it, but ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘ what โ›„ happened ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ was that โŒ the baby ๐Ÿ‘ถ became ๐Ÿ‘€ unstable. We ๐Ÿ”ž๐Ÿ‘ฆ constantly went ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿš— to the doctor ๐Ÿฅ to check โœ… and, in ๐Ÿ‘ theory, ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜œ everything ๐Ÿ’ฏ was fine. ๐Ÿ™Š But ๐Ÿคค๐Ÿคš it wasnโ€™t, โ›” and the baby ๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘ถ was gone. ๐Ÿƒ And now ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐ŸŽ… we ๐ŸŒฟ are here. ๐Ÿฉ My ๐Ÿ’‘๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ‘– husband ๐Ÿ‘จโ€โš•๏ธ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€โš•๏ธ canโ€™t ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™‚๏ธ get ๐Ÿ† up, ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ’ƒ he ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™‚๏ธ canโ€™t ๐Ÿ’ƒ say ๐Ÿงš๐ŸŒŸ๐Ÿ’“ anything. ๐Ÿ‘ฎ The feeling ๐Ÿ˜Œ of sadness combined with the feeling ๐Ÿ˜Œ that ๐Ÿ‘‰๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ‘ it was all ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ‘ญ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿฝ for ๐Ÿ“ท nothing ๐Ÿšซ consumes me ๐Ÿคฅ completely. ๐Ÿ’ฏ I ๐Ÿ‘ฅ just ๐Ÿค– keep ๐ŸŒต going ๐Ÿƒ to work ๐Ÿ˜ because ๐Ÿ‘„ we ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘ถ have ๐Ÿˆถ to to survive, ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ญ but ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ณ if it were ๐Ÿ‘จ up ๐Ÿ“ท to me ๐Ÿฅฐ I ๐ŸŽง would ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜Ž sink ๐Ÿ˜ต๐Ÿ˜ฐ๐Ÿ’‰ into ๐Ÿค“ tears ๐Ÿคฃ and never ๐Ÿ™… get ๐ŸŽฃ up. ๐Ÿ”Š My ๐Ÿ˜จ love ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€โคโ€๐Ÿ‘ฉ works ๐Ÿข at home, ๐Ÿ ๐Ÿก so he ๐Ÿ˜ต wasnโ€™t โŒ much ๐Ÿ”ฅ for ๐Ÿ† going ๐Ÿƒ out, ๐Ÿ’ธ now ๐Ÿ‘‹โœŠ that ๐Ÿ‘Œ he ๐Ÿ‘ค๐Ÿ‘จ doesnโ€™t ๐Ÿ˜š go ๐ŸฆŸ out ๐Ÿ‘‰ at all. ๐Ÿ’ฏ Weโ€™ve ๐ŸŽโžก๏ธโžก๏ธ๐Ÿ‘คโฌ†๏ธ๐Ÿ’ก already ๐Ÿ˜ž talked about ๐Ÿพ it, although ๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿ˜› he ๐Ÿ‘จ doesnโ€™t ๐Ÿ˜š really ๐Ÿ‘€๐Ÿ‘€ want ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ™ to. He ๐Ÿ™โ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ฅ said ๐Ÿ™ˆ heโ€™ll ๐Ÿ”™๐Ÿ”™ recover, ๐Ÿ˜˜ and I ๐Ÿ™‹ know ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ’ญ he ๐Ÿ“ท will, ๐Ÿผ but ๐Ÿ‘ the atmosphere of sheer ๐Ÿ˜”๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™ sadness is killing โšฑ๏ธ me. ๐Ÿ˜™ The days ๐Ÿ—“๏ธ he ๐Ÿšซ spent in ๐Ÿ›Œ๐Ÿ–• dysphoria were ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿ˜ฉ all ๐Ÿ™… in ๐ŸŒ… vain, and we ๐Ÿ‘ค lost ๐Ÿค”โŒ the one 1๏ธโƒฃ who ๐Ÿค” made ๐ŸŽญ us ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ happy ๐Ÿ˜ƒ in ๐Ÿ˜ป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ฉ the only โœ‹๐Ÿ‘€ moments these ๐ŸŒ outbreaks rested. And now, ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ‘ซ I, ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™‚๏ธ who ๐Ÿ”ญโ“ only ๐Ÿ‘ wanted ๐Ÿ˜ a happy ๐Ÿ˜‡ family, ๐Ÿ‘จโ€๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘งโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆ have ๐Ÿ™‹ neither โŒ a child ๐Ÿ‘ถ nor a happy ๐Ÿ˜ one. 1๏ธโƒฃ Just ๐Ÿšซ the feeling ๐Ÿ˜ of regret and the certainty that ๐Ÿ† if weโ€™d ๐Ÿ™‹ stayed with the adoption, we ๐Ÿƒ wouldnโ€™t ๐Ÿ˜ฉ have ๐Ÿˆถ had ๐Ÿ˜ด any ๐Ÿ•บ kids ๐Ÿ‘ถ now ๐Ÿ˜š either, ๐Ÿ˜Œ but ๐Ÿ‘ at least ๐Ÿ‘ฌ๐Ÿšซ weโ€™d ๐Ÿ™‹ be ๐Ÿฅœ happy ๐Ÿ˜Š and my ๐ŸŽ‚ husband ๐Ÿ‘ซ wouldnโ€™t ๐Ÿ˜ฉ have ๐Ÿˆถ had ๐Ÿ˜ญ the worst ๐Ÿ‘Ž months ๐Ÿˆท๏ธ of his ๐Ÿ’ฆ life. ๐Ÿ“