My ๐ช๐จ husband ๐ซ had ๐ด a miscarriage I ๐๐๐๐๐๐ need ๐ญ to tell ๐ someone ๐จ about ๐ฅด this, even ๐ if itโs just ๐ a bunch ๐ผ of random ๐ฒ people, ๐ค๐ค๐ค because ๐ค it hurts ๐ค so much. ๐๐ We ๐ฏ are completely ๐ซ devastated and the weather โ here ๐ at home ๐ก๐ก has โ never ๐ been ๐ฆ๐ฅ worse. ๐ In ๐ ๐ fact, ๐ it was never โ bad, ๐ก๐ but ๐ฅ now ๐ฅ it seems ๐ like ๐ all ๐ฏ the negativity in ๐๐คธโโ๏ธ the world ๐ has ๐ dropped. ๐ฝ๐ก And I ๐ canโt ๐ซ stop โ๐ซ feeling ๐ like ๐๐ crap and guilty. I, ๐ฅ a cis man, ๐จ am ๐ married ๐ฐ๐พ๐ to a trans ๐ man. ๐ด๐ป We ๐ฉโ๐ฉโ๐ฆโ๐ฆ always ๐ก๐ talked about ๐ฆ children ๐ง๐ง๐ฆ and having ๐ถ a family ๐จโ๐จโ๐ฆ someday. The initial ๐ฐ idea ๐ญ was adoption, because ๐งโโ๏ธ in ๐๐ซ the beginning ๐โโ๏ธ my ๐ husband ๐๐ said ๐ฌ he ๐ฆ couldnโt ๐ซ bear ๐ฏ to get ๐ pregnant ๐คฐ because 2๏ธโฃ0๏ธโฃ2๏ธโฃ1๏ธโฃ it would ๐ช๐ make ๐ him ๐ช๐ถ๐ผ have ๐ถ gender ๐น dysphoria crises, and that ๐ซ he ๐ฅ would ๐ช freak โผ๏ธ๐คช๐ณ๐ฅด๐ฅฐ out ๐๐๐๐๐๐ and feel ๐๐ก horrible. ๐ In ๐๐ผ addition, he ๐๐ฉ also ๐ฏโโ๏ธ really ๐ฏ wanted/wanted to finish ๐ the transition once ๐ and for ๐๐ all ๐จ (removal of the uterus, intimate surgery, etc. ๐ etc.). ๐ I ๐ท was fine, ๐ obviously, ๐ because ๐ I ๐ always ๐ฉ wanted ๐ the best ๐ for ๐ him. ๐ด So, we ๐ฉ๐ went ๐ด there ๐๐พ in ๐ the adoption queue, right. ๐ ๐๐ But, ๐ after ๐ a while, โ๐ my ๐ husband ๐๐ started ๐ to come ๐ with some ๐ฝ talk ๐ฌ that ๐ he ๐ฅ could ๐ get ๐ pregnant. ๐คฐ I ๐ questioned ๐คโ๐ง it, he ๐จโ said ๐คฅ โI ๐ฅ love ๐ you, ๐ and I ๐ would ๐ definitely โ๐ป accept ๐ going ๐ through ๐งโโ๏ธ the pregnancy if it meant ๐ having ๐๏ธ a family ๐จโ๐ฉโ๐ฆโ๐ฆ with youโ ๐ something ๐ฉ like ๐ that. ๐ I ๐๐ช got ๐ธ emotional ๐ญ as hell, ๐คด and we ๐ต๐จ agreed that โก๏ธ he ๐ท was going ๐ถ๐ปโโ๏ธ to try ๐ to get ๐๐ pregnant. ๐ฃ๐ป I ๐ always ๐ told ๐คช him โ that ๐๐ if he ๐จ gave ๐ up ๐๐ต halfway through, ๐ he ๐ท could ๐ค๐ค tell ๐คฃ me โ๏ธ and I ๐ wouldnโt โ๐๐๐ โโ๏ธ๐ โโ๏ธ๐ be ๐ผ mad. ๐จ๐ก He ๐ฅ always ๐โโ๏ธ claimed that ๐ he ๐จ was confident ๐ง๐ปโโ๏ธ๐๐ that ๐๐ he ๐ง wanted ๐ซ๐ฅบ the pregnancy. After ๐๐ medical appointments to make ๐๐จโโ๏ธ everything ๐ฑ work ๐ฐ out, ๐พ it happened. ๐ค I ๐๏ธ donโt ๐ฎ know ๐ค๐ if I ๐๐๐๐๐๐ can ๐ซ๐ฆ write โ๏ธ this without ๐ crying, ๐คฃ but ๐ค basically ๐๐ the whole ๐ฐ day ๐ was hell. ๐ฅ๐ฅต Every ๐ day ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฐ he ๐จ was freaking ๐คฌ out ๐ฎโ๐จ with dysphoria, he ๐ฉ had ๐ episodes of sadness (not ๐ฏ because ๐ฝ๐ค of the baby, ๐ถ but ๐๐ because ๐จ of the situation ๐ฎ of being โ pregnant, ๐ถ which ๐ค must ๐๐ be ๐ difficult ๐ for ๐ him, ๐ฅ because ๐บ he ๐ฅ doesnโt ๐ see ๐ฟ himself ๐๐ as a woman ๐ ๐ผ๐ง and having ๐๏ธ the pregnancy, which ๐ is one ๐ค๐ฃ of the most ๐๐ biologically feminine acts, ๐ญ right, ๐ it made ๐ him ๐๐ด๐ป๐ go ๐ crazy.). ๐คช I ๐ always ๐โโ๏ธ supported him, ๐ฅ๐ฅ calmed him ๐ด down, ๐๐ธ took ๐คฏ his ๐ mind ๐ง off ๐คค it and tried ๐ to make ๐ him ๐๐ด๐ป๐ think ๐ค๐ค about ๐ค other ๐ช things, ๐ and so we ๐๐ carried on. ๐ฆพ Meanwhile, ๐๐ I ๐ just ๐ผ felt ๐๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ more โ guilty. The real ๐ thing ๐๐ is I ๐ฅ should โ ๏ธ๐ฎ๐ฝ have ๐ถ told ๐คช him ๐ง we ๐ฟ should ๐๐ค have ๐ถ stayed in ๐ foster care. ๐ I ๐ shouldnโt ๐จ have ๐ถ let ๐ซ him ๐ด develop ๐ this pregnancy idea. ๐ก I ๐ฅ was selfish. ๐๐ Stupid. ๐ฉ Probably ๐ he ๐ท felt โ๐ป that ๐น we ๐๐ would ๐๐ not ๐ซโ achieve ๐ฏ anything ๐ซ by ๐๐ standing ๐น in ๐ญ the long ๐ line โ and, perhaps ๐ค๐ค for ๐ฆ me, ๐ฅถ he ๐ท decided ๐ค to do ๐ถโโ๏ธ that. ๐ป And thinking ๐คโ that ๐ way ๐จ makes ๐ค me ๐ feel ๐ฆ like ๐๐ crap. It was a very ๐โ difficult ๐ few ๐๐ข months. ๐ But ๐ค whenever he ๐ท was calmer, we ๐ฃ๐บ smiled with happiness ๐๐๐ป in ๐ knowing ๐ญ that ๐ that ๐๐ถ๐ situation ๐น would ๐ pass ๐ฆ and that ๐ soon ๐ we ๐ would ๐ have โ the family ๐ฉโ๐ฉโ๐ฆ we ๐จโ๐ฆ dreamed of. It made ๐น๐น๐น๐น me ๐โโ๏ธ๐ค think ๐ค that โฌ๏ธ he ๐จ actually โ saw ๐ it as something ๐ worthwhile, maybe. ๐คทโโ๏ธ But ๐พ then, โก๏ธ when ๐ the crises came, ๐ฆ I ๐ knew ๐ that, ๐ in ๐ the past, ๐ฟ๐ฟ it was better ๐ that ๐ฆ๐ฆ I ๐๐ป had ๐ถ๐โ๐ refused ๐๐ผ and told ๐ him ๐ด that ๐ I ๐ฅ care ๐๐ฉ more โโ about ๐ซ his ๐ well-being than ๐ anything ๐ฎ else, ๐ค which ๐๐คค is true, ๐ฏ but ๐๐ซ at the time ๐ he ๐ฅ assured ๐พ๐บ๐คฒ me ๐ฅบ with so sure ๐๐ that ๐ I ๐ wanted ๐ the pregnancy, that ๐ I ๐ค๐ฝ just ๐ฅ accepted โบ๏ธ๐ it even ๐คทโโ๏ธ though โผ๏ธ๐คจ I ๐ knew ๐ค that ๐ it would ๐๐ hurt ๐ข him ๐จ a lot ๐๐ mentally ๐ง (and physically ๐๏ธโโ๏ธ too ๐ก because ๐จ itโs a pregnancy, right). ๐ซ I ๐ฐ๐ฟ donโt โจโ๐ซ know ๐ if these ๐ฆ๐ฅ bad ๐บ๐ฅ feelings ๐ญ had ๐ anything ๐ซ๐ to do ๐ with it, but ๐๐๐ what โ happened ๐ค๐๐ was that โ the baby ๐ถ became ๐ unstable. We ๐๐ฆ constantly went ๐๐ to the doctor ๐ฅ to check โ and, in ๐ theory, ๐๐ everything ๐ฏ was fine. ๐ But ๐คค๐ค it wasnโt, โ and the baby ๐ผ๐ถ was gone. ๐ And now ๐ฑ๐ we ๐ฟ are here. ๐ฉ My ๐๐ฅ๐ husband ๐จโโ๏ธ๐จ๐ปโโ๏ธ canโt ๐คทโโ๏ธ get ๐ up, ๐๐ he ๐โโ๏ธ canโt ๐ say ๐ง๐๐ anything. ๐ฎ The feeling ๐ of sadness combined with the feeling ๐ that ๐๐๐ it was all ๐คฃ๐ญ๐๐ฝ for ๐ท nothing ๐ซ consumes me ๐คฅ completely. ๐ฏ I ๐ฅ just ๐ค keep ๐ต going ๐ to work ๐ because ๐ we ๐๐ถ have ๐ถ to to survive, ๐๐ผ๐ฉ๐ญ but ๐ฑ๐ณ if it were ๐จ up ๐ท to me ๐ฅฐ I ๐ง would ๐๐ sink ๐ต๐ฐ๐ into ๐ค tears ๐คฃ and never ๐ get ๐ฃ up. ๐ My ๐จ love ๐ฉโโคโ๐ฉ works ๐ข at home, ๐ ๐ก so he ๐ต wasnโt โ much ๐ฅ for ๐ going ๐ out, ๐ธ now ๐โ that ๐ he ๐ค๐จ doesnโt ๐ go ๐ฆ out ๐ at all. ๐ฏ Weโve ๐โก๏ธโก๏ธ๐คโฌ๏ธ๐ก already ๐ talked about ๐พ it, although ๐๐ he ๐จ doesnโt ๐ really ๐๐ want ๐ญ๐ to. He ๐โโ๏ธ๐ฅ said ๐ heโll ๐๐ recover, ๐ and I ๐ know ๐ญ๐ญ he ๐ท will, ๐ผ but ๐ the atmosphere of sheer ๐๐๐ sadness is killing โฑ๏ธ me. ๐ The days ๐๏ธ he ๐ซ spent in ๐๐ dysphoria were ๐จ๐ฉ all ๐ in ๐ vain, and we ๐ค lost ๐คโ the one 1๏ธโฃ who ๐ค made ๐ญ us ๐บ๐ธ happy ๐ in ๐ป๐๐๐ฉ the only โ๐ moments these ๐ outbreaks rested. And now, ๐๐ซ I, ๐โโ๏ธ who ๐ญโ only ๐ wanted ๐ a happy ๐ family, ๐จโ๐ฉโ๐งโ๐ฆ have ๐ neither โ a child ๐ถ nor a happy ๐ one. 1๏ธโฃ Just ๐ซ the feeling ๐ of regret and the certainty that ๐ if weโd ๐ stayed with the adoption, we ๐ wouldnโt ๐ฉ have ๐ถ had ๐ด any ๐บ kids ๐ถ now ๐ either, ๐ but ๐ at least ๐ฌ๐ซ weโd ๐ be ๐ฅ happy ๐ and my ๐ husband ๐ซ wouldnโt ๐ฉ have ๐ถ had ๐ญ the worst ๐ months ๐ท๏ธ of his ๐ฆ life. ๐