So since I made the original post, I haven’t actually heard the guy getting up to his furious chode rubbing antics. Either he was temporarily sent to some kind of masturbation institution, or he was just giving his wang a much needed rest. That was until…this morning.

I was sat upstairs working away, when I started hearing those guttural moans and those high pitched Japanese ladies I’d become so accustomed to hearing. I thought to myself, now was the time. Out of all the solutions you came up with, I felt that going round and actually having a word with the lad and/or his parents might be the best course of action to take.

I wander over on my lunch break, knocked on, and the mum answered. I was going to ask for their son but I don’t even know his name so that’d have been awkward, so I start telling his mum about the noises, how frequently they happen and the fact that my kids have heard it and repeatedly asked me wtf that noise was. I asked could he please keep the noise down, or even wait until after the watershed so at least my kids would be in bed. I was typically British-polite despite the fact that I was talking about a prolific chode stroker, but all of a sudden she looked at me with almost teary eyes and slowly closed the door on me without saying a word.

Now this was weird behaviour because we actually get on really well with them usually so I didnt know what to think. Then, roughly 20 mins later, I get a Facebook message….

It was the mum. She was apologising profusely for what their son was doing, and that they were all fully aware that he has a problem with it. He was originally in a part of the house where no one could hear him, and they totally forgot to take into account that he is a regular fondler of the purple headed yoghurt slinger when they moved the house around. She said she couldn’t tell me face to face because it’s kinda a source of major embarrassment for them, but she didn’t want to brush it under the carpet either, hence the message.

She said she would have a word with him to put a stop to it once and for all, but I was like woahhh I just want him to have a a bit more consideration, not subject him to a lifetime of hand-celibacy. She said she appreciated my understanding and said she’d be having words anyway. Time will tell if it makes a difference or not.

So there we have it folks. He is a serial pole destroyer and a pretty big source of shame for his family!

[credit to u/BatmansLongjohns fr this gem, and my condolences to ya]