(Serious Post) I lost my life savings because I am sexually attracted to losing money

As the title states, I am not a troll and this is something that has been bothering me ever since I started trading(Stock market) 2 years ago..

I started trading in the beginning of 2019 and right from the start I noticed anytime I throw a bunch of money into the market, as soon as I hit that buy button, I would get an erection…

Now stop right there because I already know 99% of people here are going to throw this post in the trolling category but the crazy thing is… It’s totally true.. I got a massive sexual high off of losing money(or at least having the risk of losing money).. I would find my hand slowly gravitating down towards my pocket where It would slide in and start jerking my penis off ever so slightly. I could not help myself… I would do this at work since we are separated in cubicles I did not have to worry about anyone interrupting me. After covid hit, we got to work remotely and it jumped up tenfold, I would find my self jerking off upwards of 7 times a day as I watched my brokerage account slowly go into the red while holding massively leveraged positions. My money finally ran out back in August and my relationship with my girlfriend has been severely diminished since I never had any energy left at the end of the day for romance or conversation for that matter… She would constantly accuse me of cheating but I could not even reveal the news to her since it would probably damage our relationship permanently. NOW.. Not only do I not get hard with her(unless I’m drunk) I have to visualize myself using 4 times margin on some flimsy pennystock in order to get that rush my body has been conditioned with these past 2 years..I haven’t thought about using viagra since I don’t want it to take pills especially since I’m not quite 30 yet

Overall I lost my life savings in the matter of a year and a half (80k), I have nothing left and feel incredibly depressed. I would like to see a psychiatrist but the fact that I have to divulge this incredibly embarrassing information, stops me from it.. So here I am on a throwaway account so you guys can make fun of me openly.

TLDR: I have cum many times to the excitement I get from putting my money in the market and it resulted in my ultimate bankruptcy

EDIT: my portfolios performance was a complete inverse of what my penis looked like