…So as long as they’re not negatively impacting the output of other studios, there’s really no reason for me to hold much animosity towards Illumination.

Except for one thing.

Watching all these movies, I started to notice a pattern that’s been brewing ever since 2012. There’s this one scene in The Lorax where the Once-Ler makes what, at the time, seems to be a pretty innocent lame pop culture reference.

“Break-dancing, and wearing bell bottoms, and playing the Donkey Kongs?”

Huh. That was weird how they referenced Donkey Kong like that. Oh well. I’m sure it didn’t mean anything.

But then, the references just don’t stop coming.

In Despicable Me 3, the villain says, “It’s on like Donkey Kong”. In The Secret Life of Pets, there’s a turtle shell in the sewer that bounces around and makes video game sound effects. In Sing 1, there’s a gorilla bouncer named “Mario”. In Sing 2, they play a Cardi B song where she sings the lyric “‘Bout my coins like Mario”. Hell, all the way back in Despicable Me 1, Vector is clearly playing the Wii! Was that a subtle reference too? Has it really been in the works that long?!

Oh my god, Patrick just pointed out that the Minions, the mascot of this company, their only article of clothing is overalls! And their name starts with M! I don’t know, maybe these have all been coincidences. Or maybe… they were carefully planted in order to foreshadow the true final boss of all of this.

Often when I do a ranking video for a certain studio, that means I’m done with them afterwards. I don’t need to check out anymore DreamWorks, or Sony, or Blue Sk- Uh, still too soon, I guess. I don’t need to see any more animated movies from these studios unless I really want to.

But this?

It’s not a matter of want.

It’s a matter of necessity.

I’ve been a fan of Mario my entire life. Playing his games has shaped my tastes in media so thoroughly, and his influence on who I am as a person is boundless. His franchise means the world to me. And now, Illumination, the creators of Minions, and Hop, and The Secret Life of Pets, and… fucking Watergate, probably… now they have their hands on Mario. Now Chris Pratt has injected his vocal cords into our favorite red-clad Italian plumber. There is no way I would miss this movie for the world. Not because I expect it to be good, but because I expect it to be a magnificent shitshow.

As a reviewer of animated films, and a lover of Mario games, this will truly be the final boss of my life. Once my review of this blooming monstrosity is at last finished, and posted, then I will finally rest, and watch the sun rise on a grateful universe.

Thank you, dear viewer, for coming with me on this incredible journey. Twilight is upon me, and soon night must fall, so thank you for watching. The end… is in sight.