At school the teacher was teaching us about businesses. I was excited because my father owned a company which I wanted to take over one day. Then the teacher brought up worker co-ops. I immediately began to get nervous. The teacher singled me out and asked “what’s your opinion on worker co-ops” Should I lie? Should I tell her what she wants to hear? No. I mustered up all the courage I could and said “Um I don’t think worker co-ops would work. It doesn’t make sense for every janitor and waitress to be making important decisions. Also it undermines the important work and innovations great men like my father do.”

“Oh…” The teacher looked shocked.

The atmosphere of the room completely changed. Everyone in the class gave me dirty looks. Should I have lied? On the bus ride home I kept hearing people talk about me behind my back. Saying I’m not a comrade and my father is a capitalist pig. Then a group of students assaulted me on the bus. They stole all my money to “reclaim the value of their parents labour”. I screamed out to the bus driver for help. As the bus driver turned around to see what was going on I got a look at his face. It was Karl Marx. “Don’t worry”, he exclaimed menacingly. “You won’t be needing money where we’re going.” I looked out the windows and saw the bus drive passed my house. “Wait!” I yelled. “You passed my house”. I looked out the window again and my heart sunk. There was a sign with an arrow pointing forward that read “GULAG this way” I looked down at my hands and noticed I was in hand cuffs. In a panic I glanced around and realized everyone else was also in chains. Then I noticed who the other passengers on the bus were. Jeff Bezos, Martin Shkreli, Elon Musk. They were all great intelligent men who have been stripped of their humility, integrity and wealth.

Then I noticed something I wish I hadn’t. I looked at the man sitting next to Mike Bloomberg. It was my father. He was curled up in a ball, muttering to himself about some sociologist that convinced him that worker co-ops were a superior business model. “I never should have believed him” he cried. “Sociology isn’t a real science. All the studies he showed me came from San Francisco. Everyone knows San Francisco is a leftist city. What was I thinking”

Tears began to well up in my eyes. I looked out my window again and saw Vaush hanging on the edge of the bus. As soon as we made eye contact I knew it was too late. He smashed through the window and started aggressively offering me puberty blockers. I kept saying I didn’t want them and that I was too young to make that kind of decision but he wouldn’t listen and tried to force feed as I screamed for help.

I woke up in a cold sweat. It was all a dream. My father ran into my room and asked if I was okay.

“Dad?” I asked nervously. “Yes honey?” He responded with a worried gaze. “Would you ever think of turning your business into a worker cooperative?” I asked. He laughed. “Is that what this is all about? Don’t worry. That would never happen. Even if I thought one of my workers was planning on running a union or was asking to compare wages with other workers, I would fire them on the spot.”

I immediately felt a sense of relief come over me. Then I went back to bed and slept like a baby. God bless capitalism.