My new diet has forbidden the ingestion of pasta and so I thought it would be neat to substitute my beloved pasta with some of that edamame spaghetti. It’s a low carb option! I like edamame. I like spaghetti. What could go wrong.

It taste like vehicular manslaughter on a back road in Tennessee.

It’s like eating a burp from someone else’s mouth who’s been surviving on pond water and spite.

It taste like if a fart could fuck grief.

It is dead wombat confit.

The aftertaste is a dessert of shivvings.

Peanut butter and jealousy.

A veritable ennui of flavor.

It is an endless timeloop of you just rushing out of the house to get flu medicine looking like a thousand mistakes and the vision of pestilence itself only to run into your ex who looks like a deity wrapped in a new lover.

It tastes of being buried alive with only the thought of violence to keep you company.

Your taste buds will resign their position leaving you to a life where everything tastes like water.

It is the hemlock, ricin and ethylene glycol used in a hundred spousal murders on “Dateline”.

It is the end of all things.

So, in short, I didn’t like this substitution. But I’m still doing my best to eat better.

I give the edamame spaghetti two out of five stars.