AITA For threatening to kick out my adult son after discovering bottles of piss in his room?

Throwaway; my son quite literally spends his entire life on the internet.

We have an 19 year old son who had a hard time in high school. He got expelled in his senior year (he had an outburst in class and hurled numerous racial slurs at the principal) and has since become a literal ~~basement~~ (bedroom) dweller, spending all of his time playing video games or some old-school image board website. I hoped this was just some strange phase at first, and that he was just having trouble with what had happened to him at school. I turned a blind eye at first and just gave him some space in his bedroom. As time went on, his behavior got worse and worse. After a few months, my wife started delivering food directly to his room, since he refused to ever come out of his room, not even to eat.

Earlier today, my son had to take care of some digestive business (which is pretty much the only reason he leaves his room). I took a look inside his room, which he forbids me from entering. Oh, my god, that was a mistake. His bedroom looked and smelled like something straight out of /r/neckbeardnests. Bed was thrashed, there was about a months worth of trash on the floor. Fast food bags, pizza boxes, snack wrappers, crusty toilet paper, I even saw a rotten chicken tender! Then I noticed a cluster of water bottles laying under his desk. They didnt really look right, so I went in and got a closer look, and sure enough, It was NOT WATER!!

I yell for him at the top of my lungs, and he expectedly comes running with his pants at his ankles. “What the **FUCK**, son!!”, as I point to the bottles, only to be met with silence. After about a minute, he collects some words. “mom lets me do this”.

“She lets you piss in bottles?”

“i-i guess. she comes in every day and takes them out”

I knew my wife was enabling his behavior, though I did not know it was to this extent. I thought bringing him directly to his room multiple times a day was bad enough. Had I had known he was trashing out house and PISSING IN BOTTLES, I would have put a stop to it.

I made him dump out the bottles, rinse them, and throw them away. I then had a long talk with him about hygiene and personal responsibility, and told him that he needs to either get a job or go to school if he wants to keep living for free. He kinda smugged it off.

And then he got a job, cleaned up his room, and apologized for everything.

Nope! When my wife got home, first thing he does is run and cry to mom. We get into a heated argument. My wife takes his side, that I’m being too hard on him, and that he shouldnt’t be expected to have job or any responsibilities since he’s still coping with expulsion almost a full two years later. I stand firm that he should stop living like a pig and *at the very least* pick up some basic responsibility, such as using a toilet and cleaning his room.

Am I being too hard on him?