Dear reader- I apologize in advance for what you’re about to read. It’s disgusting and gross. I find it very difficult and embarrassing to write this down and to share it online, but deep inside I just know I have to do this. Please don’t read this if you’re put off by violence and sexual themes. I’m hoping I can find some help by explaining my struggle without leaving anything out. Here’s my story:

So I read the leaks. I knew everything about the game’s story and I hated it. I still bought the game for some reason, probably so I won’t sound biased, when I tell other people how much I disliked it. I rushed through as quickly as I could, while simoultaniously enjoying YouTubers that didn’t enjoy playing the game as well.

I admit, I found the LOU2-memes rather entertaining. I’m not interested in politics, but I found the memes regarding SJWs and PC-culture pretty hilarious and even a bit liberating, because I understood where they were coming from.

There I was, finding myself in a community that posts funny memes and well thought out comments. I was glad I had at least found something entertaining, after spending so much time with this game that I hate.

The latest most popular memes were all about Abby – I always loved Joel and it broke my heart seeing him get tortured and murdered by this muscular woman. I was offended on a personal level and I found myself hating the sheer appearance of this character.

Again, I’m not interested in politics and I don’t want to offend anyone, but I’m more of a traditional guy one might say. Males are physically stronger than females, and it’s easier for them to gain muscle, while females have other great, non-male qualities. That’s just how I grew up.

So, going with the latest trend, I had this idea of making a long, well researched post, about how unrealistic it is for a woman to look like her without the use of steroids, especially in the LOU-universe.

That’s how everything started. I watched videos of my favorite YouTubers, who explained that it’s impossible for women to look the way Abby does. I read long, well written posts on Facebook and Reddit and took notes while doing so. At some point during my research, I was confronted with images of other physically strong females. After seeing a picture of Zarya, the female bodybuilder from the game Overwatch, the words reverberated inside of my head: “Female bodybuilder… Female bodybuilder…” “But they all take steroids, right?” More research. I found buff women on instagram, buff female wrestlers, buff, real life female bodybuilders. “Steroids”, I think. “Can’t prove me otherwise”. Yet the sheer amount of physically strong females astounded me. And here’s the embarrassing part:

Don’t ask me why, but I found myself falling down this rabbit hole of looking at buff females and ended up seeing this incredible amount of buff pornstars and camgirls. I was disgusted. I couldn’t believe what I saw. “So many steroids”, I thought. It was sad. All this drug abuse only to look more muscular, going against everything that is feminine. Why?

I remember how I shook my head in disbelief, when suddenly I realized I was aroused. I quickly closed my laptop, disgusted with myself.

What happened? My body betrayed me and my mind started racing. “Something about these ‘beasts’, these ‘creatures’. Must have triggered something primal in me. How hard they worked to form their bodies. Sweat dripping from their skin. Muscle on top of muscle. Those diverse shapes on legs, arms and stomach. The visible movement of the muscle while lifting weights, hard as rock.”

I tried to stop thinking about it, took a cold shower, but I just couldn’t stop. “Muscles aren’t feminine. And I’m definitely straight… right?” Images of Abbys face and arms appeared in my head. Something had changed and there was no going back: I was bored with the average female body. Saggy breasts hanging down, arms like noodles, jiggly bottoms. Bodies full of water, bodies full of plastic. Plastic. Water. Plastic. Water. They’re trying to seduce me, winking, shaking their hips. They’re so damn full of themselves, but what the hell are they so proud of? They’re weak. Boring. I’m unimpressed. And confused.

Abby. Why was I so obsessed about her and the way she looked? I looked up pictures of her every day, laughed, posted a meme, upvoted others.

“Steroids…”, I said to myself.

This is where the dreams started.

One night I had this dream about seeing myself sitting in front of my computer. I was about to post a thought-provoking comment, when all of a sudden Abby busted through the door and grabbed me by the neck. I saw her lift me up with one arm, smashing my head into the keyboard again and again and again. The keyboard turned into a red, gluey mass consisting of brain, eyes, teeth and keys. On the screen I read the words: “Why is Neil ~~Druckmann~~ Cuckman so obsessed with muscular fverbriobtblC KJFEV NGJBKS NBOIFB GBDGF RGBR RFTBTREW”

I woke up in a cold sweat. Trembling, heart pounding and my penis erect.

That day I didn’t post anything on my favorite Subreddit and instead went for a walk, thinking about what all of this means. “Am I not a true man? Strong, straight, funny, smart. I like women. I like feminine women. I like feminine traits in women. I don’t have a problem with strong female characters, but they shouldn’t be physically strong, but emotionally! Or when they’re physically strong, they should at least not look like they are. They should look feminine!”

I thought I had it. I thought I could be myself again, after I had collected my thoughts. I was into feminine women. Abby’s muscular appearance was a bad way of portraying a traditionally strong woman. It was sexist and offensive, as others had explained to me in great detail.

That night, I had no problems falling asleep. And yet I found myself having the most bizarre, scariest nightmare of my entire life…

I stood in an empty room, surrounded by naked males. Mostly around my age. Average bodies: skinny, chubby, fat. Some with glasses, some with bearded necks, some with red hats. We were standing in a circle, facing each other and pleasuring ourselves. It was surreal. Noises of moaning and laughing filled the air. One guy tried to focus and talk: “SJWs… ruined… my favorite… ungh… videogame”. Another shouted: “LIBERAL FASCISM!”, and another: “Abby is trans!”

At first I nodded in agreement and smiled, but the more they talked, the more uncomfortable I felt. “Forced to play as Abby after she kills our beloved protagonist…”, one guy said. “Didn’t feel sorry about her stupid dad at all… Such bad writing… Bad writing… Ungh… Disrespectful…”

“Stop! Stop saying her name!”, I screamed, not even knowing why. They laughed.

One skinny guy started flexing one arm, showing muscles where there were none. “Look guys! I’m Abby! I’m a strong female character and I hate males!” He crossed his eyes and made monkey noises. They laughed hysterically.

They stopped, when Abby busted through the door, just like she did in my dream before.

Abby was buff. Buffer than she ever was. And she was angry. It felt like an earthquake, when she started running after the guys. Panic ensued. One guy whistled so loudly, it hurt my ears. “IT’S CUCKMAN’S BITCH! GAMERS! GRAB YOUR WEAPONS!”, one guy shouted in a shrill voice. Most of them tried to run away, slipping on the wet floor, stumbling upon their lowered pants and smashing their heads on the ground.

Some of them picked up keyboards and tried hitting her pathetically. It was no use. She grabbed them by their limbs, smashing their bodies into the wall and throwing them into the air as if they were toys, bashing their heads in and tearing their limbs right off. Some cried. Some screamed. “WHITE MALE GENOCIDE! WHITE MALE GENOCIDE!” Limbs, keys and genitals flew through the air. The floor and walls were red with blood. It was a massacre.

I just stood there, like a deer in the headlights. After she had killed every single one of them, she slowly walked towards me, breathing heavily, covered in blood. Abby, this fictional amalgamate, this hated monster, that had triggered so many. I stared at her big videogame arms and carefully asked “How… how did you get-” She interrupted me:

“Every time they say my name: One push-up.”

“B-but… What about steroids?.”

She reached behind her back and picked up a golf club. She carefully positioned it between my eyes.

“No steroids.”

When I woke up my whole body was shaking and I was fully erect. I’m ashamed to admit, I started crying. I felt like my whole identity, everything I believed in, was in danger.

This time I didn’t go for a walk. I felt like I had to finally finish what I started. “Be a man!”, I said to myself.

I continued writing my post, googling, researching, trying not to get distracted. I thought maybe that way, the dreams would stop.

I finished. All I had to do, was click the “post”-button. I hesitated. “Post…” I felt sick. Something was different this time. Usually I look forward to the upvotes, the comments, the karma, people complimenting my work and humor.

“Screw it.” I thought. “Do it.” The moment I tried to click the mouse, an image of Abby flexing popped up in my head. Aroused, confused and angry, I gagged. Then I started vomiting uncontrollably. I looked at my screen and keyboard, covered in digested burgers and soft drinks. This wasn’t a dream. This was real. My body and my mind were fighting.

I need help. I feel like I can’t be myself anymore. I can’t even go to my favorite Subreddit, because they won’t stop talking about Abby. Abby here, Abby there. And in my mind she gets stronger and stronger, while I get harder and harder, until we both explode.

So here I am, wondering what I’m supposed to do. Who am I? Why am I so obsessed with this fictional character? What does it mean, if I find her attractive? Does it mean I’m gay? Not a real man? What does it mean, to be a man? How can I be a man, when I’m physically weaker than many women out there? Will others still respect me, if I tell them about how I feel about her?

Whatever the answers, I think for now I need to take a break from LOU2 and its memes. I might have to start take care of myself. Start working out. Then, once I’m as buff as Abby, I’ll play the game again.

TLDR: Does liking Abby make me gay?