Okay, I’m going to admit it. I have a serious urge to volley a pigeon. Not just kick one out of the way or push it aside with my foot. Like, take a run up and kick the little grey cooing fucker so it flies off like a football. And I don’t mean ‘flies’ as in, it sees me coming and uses its wings, I mean it flies off with the force of my kick.

I’m not a bastard. I walk around snails on the pavement. I put worms back on the soil on sunny days. I put flagging bees on a teaspoon with some sugar water.

But pigeons man. They need fucking volleying.

And ducks. Ducks can fuck off too.