Be a Social Justice Warrior
Alarm goes off at 1400
Wake up Tobias, it’s interrupt peoples lives for the sake of justice day
Stumble out of bed, stare into the mirror and look sad
Suck your gut in and puff your chest out
Fuck yeah
All better now
Mom asks you why you do that every day
‘I’m a Warrior. A Social Justice Warrior’
Mom shakes head and walks away
Walk into the kitchen
Start to pour your bowl of gluten free cereal
Notice Mom staring at you
‘Hey Tobias, can you please bring the garbage cans in? I would but I’m still on crutches……’
Look at your mother in disgust
Did she just oppress me with her white guilt?
I’m a fucking Social Justice Warrior
Walk away
Put on Guy Fakes mask and look in the mirror
Fuck yeah
All better now
It’s 1500 now
Election protests start at 1600
Sit in your car your parents bought you
Finger tapping on the steering wheel
Fuck is it time to protest the injustice that is the election yet?
It is now
Start car up
Driving local roads only
You’re not using any federal roads today
Get to the protest planning site
Adrenaline pumping
Think about how Toys R Us has the best parking lots for this
Pull out your ‘Love Trumps Hate’ sign
Smile at how genius and original your sign is
Start your march
Fuck yeah we’re 6 people strong
Social. Justice. Warriors.
Block the entrance to Walmart.
Chants of ‘Dump Trump’ are drowning out everything else around you
78 year old Myrtle tries to walk in the door to go to work
You won’t let her in
Social. Justice. Warrior.
Stare into the eyes of ole Myrtle and your ‘Dump Trump’ chant intensifies
You can tell she’s getting fed up
Finally she breaks
“Excuse me sir but could you let me through. The election is over anyways. Let’s give the guy a chance.”
You drop your sign in horror
Your jaw is dropped
Sudden realization is setting in
Step up to 78 year old Myrtle
Look her in the eyes
And you say it
What did you just say you RACISTHOMOPHOBICXENOPHOBICMISOGYNISTPIECEOFSHIT?
78 year old Myrtle is crying now
Fuck yeah she is
Social. Justice. Warrior.
Police show up
Ask you politely to leave
FUCK YOU PIGS THIS IS MY RIGHT
Cops remind you that you are on private property so you actually don’t have the right
Shout FUCK YOU PIGS THIS IS MY RIGHT
You’re reminded about being on private property again
Shout FUCK the police Imma kill ya’ll asses
Fuck yeah I just said that
Social. Justice. Warrior.
Cops arrest you
Fuck did I do?
Get to jail
Recognize jail staff from your other protest arrests
‘Hey Tobias, mom coming to bail you out again?’
Fucking right she is
‘Alright Tobias, what’s your birthday again….5/11/76 right?’
Fuck you pig
Social. Justice. Warrior.