Be a Social Justice Warrior

Alarm goes off at 1400

Wake up Tobias, it’s interrupt peoples lives for the sake of justice day

Stumble out of bed, stare into the mirror and look sad

Suck your gut in and puff your chest out

Fuck yeah

All better now

Mom asks you why you do that every day

‘I’m a Warrior. A Social Justice Warrior’

Mom shakes head and walks away

Walk into the kitchen

Start to pour your bowl of gluten free cereal

Notice Mom staring at you

‘Hey Tobias, can you please bring the garbage cans in? I would but I’m still on crutches……’

Look at your mother in disgust

Did she just oppress me with her white guilt?

I’m a fucking Social Justice Warrior

Walk away

Put on Guy Fakes mask and look in the mirror

Fuck yeah

All better now

It’s 1500 now

Election protests start at 1600

Sit in your car your parents bought you

Finger tapping on the steering wheel

Fuck is it time to protest the injustice that is the election yet?

It is now

Start car up

Driving local roads only

You’re not using any federal roads today

Get to the protest planning site

Adrenaline pumping

Think about how Toys R Us has the best parking lots for this

Pull out your ‘Love Trumps Hate’ sign

Smile at how genius and original your sign is

Start your march

Fuck yeah we’re 6 people strong

Social. Justice. Warriors.

Block the entrance to Walmart.

Chants of ‘Dump Trump’ are drowning out everything else around you

78 year old Myrtle tries to walk in the door to go to work

You won’t let her in

Social. Justice. Warrior.

Stare into the eyes of ole Myrtle and your ‘Dump Trump’ chant intensifies

You can tell she’s getting fed up

Finally she breaks

“Excuse me sir but could you let me through. The election is over anyways. Let’s give the guy a chance.”

You drop your sign in horror

Your jaw is dropped

Sudden realization is setting in

Step up to 78 year old Myrtle

Look her in the eyes

And you say it

What did you just say you RACISTHOMOPHOBICXENOPHOBICMISOGYNISTPIECEOFSHIT?

78 year old Myrtle is crying now

Fuck yeah she is

Social. Justice. Warrior.

Police show up

Ask you politely to leave

FUCK YOU PIGS THIS IS MY RIGHT

Cops remind you that you are on private property so you actually don’t have the right

Shout FUCK YOU PIGS THIS IS MY RIGHT

You’re reminded about being on private property again

Shout FUCK the police Imma kill ya’ll asses

Fuck yeah I just said that

Social. Justice. Warrior.

Cops arrest you

Fuck did I do?

Get to jail

Recognize jail staff from your other protest arrests

‘Hey Tobias, mom coming to bail you out again?’

Fucking right she is

‘Alright Tobias, what’s your birthday again….5/11/76 right?’

Fuck you pig

Social. Justice. Warrior.