Every guy has problems with his dick and the toilet. This is not the solution.

I was getting ready for work and realized I needed to shit. I sat down and really didn’t want my cock pressing up against the toilet bowl or dipping in the water, so I laid it over the seat. I started to go and realized that you can’t go 2 without going 1.

I had to act fast or I would piss all over the wall with my dick propped up on the toilet seat. Did I jump up and aim down? No. Did I hold it in? No. What did I do?

In a moment of 200IQ glory, I pressed my thumb over the top of my dick to plug it like a water hose. Why? Idk, too many lead paint chips.

Here’s what happened:

My dick caves to the pressure and the inside urethra, close to the tip, ruptures slightly. The force blasts past my thumb and sprays, like a capped water hose, a fan mist of piss and blood all over my face.

My dick flops over, defeated, dripping goopy blood.

I called my boss and said I wasn’t going to make it to work. He heard the story and gave me the night off.

Tl;dr I held my piss with my finger and my dick blew out.