So the story stars a bit over 3 weeks ago and boy is it not still happening. Fun fact: it is.
Alright, so I had been relatively sexless for a while. Maybe 6 months to almost a year. I pretty much was relying on ol’ handy to show me the compassion I needed. The reason is partially due to my job. I have had a ton of new work and stuff shift into my area of the warehouse I work in. New projects, new employees I need to train, and so on had pretty much left me working overtime and exhausted every day. I didn’t mind to much because at the end of the day I knew I was getting a good paycheck and I didn’t have much time off left to use until it accumulated.

Now, 4 weeks back things got better. My trainees started becoming independent. They started pulling some of the slack and it eased up my work load as now I can work and not spend a percent of my day looking over their shoulders. “This deserves a celebration,” j thought. I now have cash and some free time again so I decided it’s time to get some sex. I worked hard and now i deserve to put some time into my personal life and relationships again. This is where the beginning of the end starts.

Fast forward to a week later. I’m swiping hard and my preferences are loose. I’m just trying to get back into the groove so I’m not being to picky. I went on a couple dates. All seemed good. I was having a good time and stuff seemed to be great. I met some very attractive women and they also were really chill so I was happy. But, my hand was still the only one kissing me goodnight.
Then she happens.

So I met this girl, let’s call her…. Sarah to be nice even though she doesn’t deserve it. I met Sarah and from the get go my only goal was sex. I was not trying to build a relationship. I was not trying anything. My basic introduction to her was basically hey let’s just have sex and I’ll get you food and shit. I worded it better and she also seemed to want the same thing. So cool, this will work out. I can finally get some real relief.

I take her out to a small local Mexican place off the beach. It bomb and low key but this was a mistake I didn’t realize at the time.
Our grub goes good. We hit it off. She is maybe a 7/10 tops but she seems laid back and cool so I’m into it. Finish up our tacos and head to my place. We gun straight for the room. I’m basically a horny child at this point. I have no restrictions. I’m out of control and my only thing i can think of is climaxing in some hot nasty ass sex.

Foreplay is solid. Some great head and she’s very generous. Being the gentlemen i am I return the favor. I’m not an asshole and it’s fair so go down and get to work. This is where my story goes wrong. She asks me “so have you ever eaten ass”. I have never done this. I have never thought much about this. It’s not something I seek out or even really wanna do much. But, not thinking and all wrapped up in the moment I decided to go “of course you want me to eat your ass out as well?” She blushes a little and sees it be amazing if I could. “Most guys won’t but I love it and it be great if you did” implying it would only make my time more enjoyable. She was already dripping and I thought this could only make things more juicy.
Well that was a lie.

I still don’t know if this was planned, an accident or just some freak situation but while I’m down there, going to work, she starts to start moving oddly. She gets tense in a not good way. I look up a bit and ask if she’s okay. She looks like her eyes are watering and is making odd faces. But, she then grabs my head attempts to force me back down. I resist as shit is really weird. And then it happens. The thing that changed my life. She finally starts letting out a light scream followed by a huge sneeze. No big deal right?
WRONG
As my face hovers inches from her backside a sneeze is not the only thing that comes out. She projectile queefs and farts directly onto my face. A must of wet fart and vaginal juice mists my face in such a way that i seem like I just got out of a light rain drizzle.
I scream. She screams. I have what I realize Is small shit particles on my face. I throw her ass off me and run to my bathroom. She is rapidly apologizing and I’m screaming stumbling into my shower.
As I scrub my face and try to tell her it’s alright (it wasn’t. That was gross as fuck) she sneaks out. I would feel bad for her. I get it. Stuff like this happens. It is an asshole and we did just eat Mexican. But I want as generous at that moment in time.

I get out of the shower disgusted and sad that i got blue balled by a head shot of fecal matter and queef. We exchange texts and say whatever and we stop talking. I wish this is where the story ended. But it’s not.

So a week later I’m noticeably have issues with my eyes. Turns out getting pelted with that stuff, directly in your, causes something called colloquially as “pink eye”. I’ve never had pink eye. So I’m trying to treat this irritation and red with visine or whatever. Well i go back to wok after a weekend and get sent home.
I get mocked. I look ridiculous and I go to the doctor. The doctor seems really concerned as both Of my eyes are infected and in pretty gross shape. They are crusting and I hate my life. He gives me meds and sends me on my way. Now as I said earlier. I don’t have any vacation time ATM. And I only have a few days left of sick time as well. (Brief side not. Don’t blow your sick days of mini vacations).
So I’m out of work as I can’t see anymore really.
This means the trainees are running the ship in my absence. And they suck. 3 days into my sick time I get calls from my boss pissed about quality of projects and my failure at teach them because they are not reaching deadlines in their wiring projects which are technically my projects since I’m the head.
I can’t do shit. I can’t even see the mistakes they send. I’m running out of sick time and I’m getting yelled at over the phone everyday.
This was last week. My eyes are getting better at this point but my whole station is a train wreck. Nothing is getting out. No one is following the orders and guide I had them learn. (It’s not fully their fault. They are new and it takes many many months to even learn all the ins and outs let alone get good at them)
Well this was to much for my boss as I’m now technically 3 days into last week and I’ve been out of sick time so I’ve been unexcused for 3 days.

I get laid off.

I get fucking laid off.

I lost my job because of get queefed and shit on on my face.

Eating ass ruined me.

I can’t afford to live without this job.
I can’t pay my bills.
My insurance was through work
I may have to move back in with family in another state.
I never got laid.
Why me

Morally of this story. Fuvk eating ass.
Pray for me y’all. I need it.